The Fugitive

Description: Season 3, Episode 25

Air Date: March 9, 1962

Plot Summary: An alien, hiding on earth, spends a little too much time "playing" with kids.

Review: Man, they must have been smoking one too many crack-laced Chesterfields when writing this one! This is definitely the most pedoriffic episode--making "One for the Angels" and "Nightmare as a Child" look like Disneyland. I get it, things were different back then, but come on! Even if I set aside the flirting, groping, kissing, and other shenanigans, you can't deny that the plot is essentially about an adult alien picking up a girlfriend who is probably like 10 years old (the actress was apparently 12 at the time). And she's handicapped to boot? My goodness...

The episode kicks things off with a group of little kids playing baseball with every kid's best friend...a creepy old man. One kid even remarks "don't be a dirty old man" so they even know what's up! There is only one girl in this group, named Jenny, and I'll give you one guess which kid the old man favors the most. Give up? After hitting a baseball into orbit, the kids play another game in which we realize the old man is a shapeshifter and an alien. Later on, the alien, named Old Ben (Kenobi), is straight up flirting with Jenny--talking about how she's his girlfriend or whatever--as he carries her about since she has a crippled leg. Jenny's bitch aunt doesn't like Jenny hanging out with old Benny-boy; not because he's an obvious child molester though but because she's a bitch. Other aliens show up looking for Benny-boy and Jenny tries to warn her apparent boyfriend. He finally explains to her that he's not really an old man, that he's an alien, and that he's fleeing from the other aliens for whatever reason; I suppose he just likes to look like a child molester for the lulz? After, what looks like full on groping, Benny-boy repairs Jenny's leg, but the other aliens say hell no to that. It is then revealed that Benny-boy is the king of these aliens and he was bored of doing it after a thousand years. The aliens won't let their king hang out with humans--or they probably suspect his pedo ways--and forbid Jenny from coming with them. In order to have his girlfriend, Benny takes the form of Jenny so that the other aliens can't tell which is which. The episode then ends with the two seemingly living happily ever after as Mr. Serling tries to downplay the creepy factor by showing that the real Benny looks like a young man...yeah, not gonna cut it. Okay, okay, if I ignore the unsettling plot line, this wasn't the worst of episodes. It's sort of meh with a few decent ideas. If they had just made the real Benny-boy a kid as well this might have been avoidable. The episode sure is memorable I'll give it that.

To Serve Man

Description: Season 3, Episode 24

Air Date: March 2, 1962

Plot Summary: A codebreaker is tasked to discover whether or not aliens, who have recently come to Earth, have come in peace or have ulterior motives.

Review: This is easily one of the best and most infamous episodes in the entire series. Although there are a few oversights in the plot, this episode has it all: cool twist, breaking the fourth wall, a timeless message, and so much more. With some minor tweaks this story could be practically told in today's era without any problem; now that is a testament to the longevity of this episode's storytelling. This is also an instance where the twist has become embedded so deeply into pop culture that the kiddies might not even be aware of its origin anymore.

The episode begins with the main character, Chambers, already aboard an alien spaceship as we flashback to the events leading up to this point. Out of the blue, aliens arrived one day in order to meet with Earth's leaders. Called the Kanamits, the aliens are giant men who speak telepathically in order to present a pleasant voice. The Kanamits offer peace and numerous ways for humanity to improve their living situation. In essence, they want to help turn Earth into a utopia with no benefit to themselves...only out of the goodness of their hearts. Of course this appears too good to be true as the USA's military wants their codebreakers, including Chambers and his sorta-love interest, to translate the Kanamit's language--specifically, a particular book. Admittedly, the aliens just leaving one of their books around is contrived, but we could assume they didn't care if humans uncovered its contents. To help alleviate any worries, and gain the public's trust, the Kanamits offer themselves up to a lie detector; yeah, it won't hold up in court, but, sure, let's put the fate of humanity on the results! However, many fears do vanish once they realize the book's title is translated to mean "TO SERVE MAN."

While Chambers and crew struggle to translate the rest of the language, the Earth is transformed into a paradise within the course of a year. The Kanamits begin to offer trips to their world for anyone that wishes to go, and Chambers and his chickadee have signed up on the waiting list. With the world seemingly at ever lasting peace, Chambers is heading off to the Kanamit home world. Just as Chambers is walking up the stairs to the spaceship, his chickadee comes screaming through the airport (spaceport?) that the book's actual meaning is to serve man as a meal! IT'S A COOKBOOK! Oh shit! It's too late though as Chambers is shoved into the ship, and we cut back to the beginning of the episode. You'd think that chickadee would have warned the government first, but I guess Chambers was in more immediate danger. The episode ends with Chambers addressing the TV audience and wondering whether or not we are on the ship or Earth but we all end up on the menu one way or another. Definitely a grim conclusion that's for sure.

Overall, this is an awesome episode that incorporates all the major factors that make TZ great. The flaws regarding the book being left around, and a few others, are not detrimental to the experience. I liked how the episode made the Soviets extra paranoid, but, hell, I'd be with them; you must be crazy to trust big ass aliens from space promising peace. Regardless, everything about the story still holds up today and the effects weren't too bad either. This was definitely one of the highlights of the entire series, and that's saying something.

The Last Rites of Jeff Myrtlebank

Description: Season 3, Episode 23

Air Date: February 23, 1962

Plot Summary: A man suddenly returns to life during his funeral as shenanigans ensue.

Review: This is another mixed bag episode as it starts off promising enough but goes downhill all too quickly. In fact, this is probably one of the creepier openings for TZ with the titular character coming back to life in the first minute. However, they couldn't seem to decide whether they wanted this episode to be serious, comical, or some idiotic combination thereof. To top things off, the ending makes no sense to me as I'm not big on '60s political figures (assuming there was sense to be made of the ending).

So all that happens is, you guessed it, Jeff Myrtlebank appeared to die of a fever only to resurrect mid-funeral. Guess he came back for his buxom girlfriend, but who could blame him? The setting is the '20s for whatever reason--I guess to brush off the possibility that the medical field wasn't sophisticated enough to know 100% if he was dead or not (though, it seemed clear). As Jeff goes about as if nothing has changed except a little misunderstanding, others notice his behavior has changed and he's more confident and outgoing. This seems to woo over his, self-admitted, fickle girlfriend who sticks by his side after the townspeople turn against him; they think he's some kind of demon. After threatening to wreak havoc on the town, in a comical way of course, the little bitches back down as Jeff declares he's staying put and marrying his chickadee. In the end, the girlfriend notices Jeff really does have supernatural powers as he lights a match without striking it and makes a gate close on its own. Then Mr. Serling closes us out with a line about the two giving birth to a senator, but I don't know what that's in reference to...damned antichrist for all I know. Ehh, this could have been a mildly scary episode if they didn't make all the characters so incredibly goofy. The opening really is solid and sets up all manner of potential. The chickadee is cute so that helped, but I think I missed something, somewhere along the way.

A Piano in the House

Description: Season 3, Episode 22

Air Date: February 16, 1962

Plot Summary: After a man buys a piano for his wife, he discovers it can make people reveal their inner thoughts and secrets.

Review: I think they missed the mark a bit on this episode. The idea was to portray a despicable character making a fool of everyone around him before having the tables turned against him, however, this is hardly the presentation that is demonstrated. If anything, they make the main guy somewhat sympathetic until a sudden transition into an asshole. Sure, they keep telling you he's a bitch, but a visual medium should show this. So we get the main guy, Jerry, buying a gift for his idiotic wife as we see the piano's power firsthand with a douchebag shopkeeper changing his tune (see what I did there) once the magical piano starts playing. For one, the abilities of the piano are ambiguous as it magically knows who to target with its power even in a full room. And for two, if you're trying to showcase your main character as an asshole, don't have an even bigger asshole outdo him in the opening scene!

Anyway, when Jerry brings the piano home it reveals that his wife wishes they never got married, and, later, that she is cheating on him with some other bitch-boy. Despite seeing this bizarre power for themselves with no reaction, the wife and bitch-boy stick around for a party where Jerry intends to use the piano on more "friends." Well, let's face it, if you surround yourself with elitist assholes, is it really any wonder that they're going to have shallow personalities? Regardless, I didn't really see Jerry as anything more than a dick until he suddenly starts laughing at some fat chick. Then, of course, the wife uses the piano to force Jerry to reveal he's a big baby who is jealous of everyone. I love the look of shock on everyone's face. Noooooo, say it isn't so, a rich snob is an asshole? Can't be! Then the episode ends with the butler saying Jerry isn't funny anymore--implying now things are just sad. Right. I understand where they were going with this episode, but they dropped the ball by making all the characters unlikable. This would have worked better with a naive person realizing they're surrounded by people who use them, or, alternatively, this could have worked with a genuinely evil person having the veil lifted in front of everyone. But you have to pick one instead of sort of going with both. Eh, another middle of the road tale.

Kick the Can

Description: Season 3, Episode 21

Air Date: February 9, 1962

Plot Summary: An old man is reminded of, and longs for, his youth after seeing kids playing a game.

Review: This is another of the moderately classic episodes; it's probably more famous due to its movie incarnation. Overall, it's a decent tale, but I feel the material has already been thoroughly covered in episodes like "Walking Distance" and "Static." I suppose you could argue this is the perfected version of those themes, but I can't agree with that conclusion. The resolution is also a bit lacking as it makes virtually no sense, and the notion of "believing you're old makes you old" is fine in a figurative sense but not in a literal sense.

The plot simply involves old people at some kind of retirement home. When one guy thinks he's going to live with his son, he realizes there's no place left for him; even for TZ this is a grim outlook on the elderly. Later on, the old guy sees a bunch of kids playing kick the can, and he reminisces about the days when he and his friend would play. While kick the can may be a dated game, good luck trying to get the pudgy bastards nowaday off the couch to play anything at this point. So the old guy, seemingly going insane, comes to the conclusion that children believe in a certain kind of magic and that when they stop believing they begin to age. Ehhh, I don't know, old man, I know people who believe in some crazy shit and they're aging steadily. The old man tries to convince his friend to join him in his attempts to relive his youth, but the friend is too much of a cliche to oblige. Deciding to run away or whatever, the old man escapes the retirement home one night and starts to play kick the can with the rest of the old folks. Through TZ shenanigans, the old people become little kids again but the friend is left behind.

I guess my problem with this episode is that the supernatural elements come out of nowhere--there's no build up really. It's also too ambiguous as to what becomes of the children--do they run off to live on their own? Is it all spiritual and they're off in playground heaven? If so, who the hell wants to spend eternity as a little kid playing kick the can?! "Walking Distance" already covered the nostalgia aspects of youth and the feeling of how life changes when you grow up. "Static" covered the whole going back and redoing your youth. Finally, TZ as a whole has dealt with all manner of life after death and getting away from it all. I don't know, this episode simply feels unnecessary to me. Not saying it's bad, just that it's a rehash of similar tales while failing to bring something new to the table.

Showdown With Rance McGrew

Description: Season 3, Episode 20

Air Date: February 2, 1962

Plot Summary: A famous TV actor finds himself angering the real life villains he mops up on his show.

Review: Although this would typically be a lackluster episode, the comedic aspects are genuinely entertaining. TZ was kind of poking fun of the ridiculous nature of Old West shows that were all the rage back in that era. In this instance, the main character, Rance McGrew, is supposed to be an invincible gunslinger who easily defeats all manner of historic figures. In reality, Rance is a bumbling bitch who can't even draw his gun without wreaking havoc nor go a single action scene without crying "stuntman!" I think TZ's writers could have dabbled in comedy quite readily given the subtle humor and parody aspects accurately portrayed. One thing I enjoyed especially was the crew making bets with one another regarding the various debacles Rance would do during a shoot (like breaking glass). The annoyance everyone has with Rance, and the crew's general lack of enthusiasm, is priceless. Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is rather lame. All that happens is the real Jesse James, representing the spirits of other dead gunslingers, shows up to teach Rance a lesson. After scaring the little bitch, Jesse magically becomes Rance's agent and says they're going to redo the scripts to properly represent the historic figures and make Rance look like a fool. Eh...rather pointless really--the comedy is golden though. In other words, this episode is a hit and a miss. It's surprisingly funny, but the overall events are not interesting and a little too cartoonish for me.

The Hunt

Description: Season 3, Episode 19

Air Date: January 26, 1962

Plot Summary: An old man and his dog have trouble coming to terms with their own deaths.

Review: Unquestionably, this is one of the worst episodes--if not the worst episode in the entire series; I'll wait until I finish the top 10 worst list before I deliver the crown however. This is also one of the few episodes where I completely question the mindset of the TZ writers. What the hell is this shit?! An old man and his doggie go skinny dipping one night and drown. The next day they wake up dead (not sure what they did all night) but don't realize it. We get serious filler regarding the old man's inability to accept the reality, but we've already touched on this material more than once at this point. All of a sudden the old geezer is roaming around and finds a cheapass-looking gate to heaven. The only problem is they won't let dogs in so the old man says fuck that shit. When hanging around outside, an apparent angel appears and tells the old man he was almost tricked into going to hell, but the devil is afraid dogs will ruin everything. And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog! So the old man and his dog do end up in real heaven...I guess...as the angel happily explains that the old man's wife will be along shortly. That's actually pretty fucked up but damn funny. Let me get this straight though, I could live the life of a saint and be tricked into going to hell simply because the afterlife is a stupid dirt road?! Might want to sort that shit out. Oh good lord, this episode just sucks plain and simple. The story is stupid and feels like a retread, the message is asinine, and the ending is hilarious for all the wrong reasons. Off the top of my head, I don't recall a worse episode, but we still have like 70 to go!

Dead Man's Shoes

Description: Season 3, Episode 18

Air Date: January 19, 1962

Plot Summary: After a gangster is killed his spirit lives on through whomever wears his shoes.

Review: I think they had a good idea for this episode, but it felt empty in it's lack of resolution; it was like witnessing the second act of a film or something. The story begins by showing fellow gangsters dumping the body of one of their former associates. A homeless man sees this act and decides he doesn't want the dead gangster's shoes to go to waste. Upon wearing the shoes, however, the homeless man becomes possessed by the gangster, named Dane. I did like how Dane, possessing the homeless man, was such a cocky bastard running around acting tough. Eventually he goes back to his apartment, cleans himself up, and pushes around his girlfriend a bit. Dane then seeks out the gangsters who killed him in order to enact his revenge. Thinking he got the upper hand on his former associates, Dane is killed again (or the homeless man unfortunately takes the bullet), but he vows to come back once more. Shortly after dumping the homeless man's body, another homeless guy takes the shoes as Dane will be able to possess another person in order to get his revenge. And that's all that happens. Eh...things are presented interestingly enough, but there's no resolution or any explanations. There are a few amusing moments, but the overall experience is severely lacking.

One More Pallbearer

Description: Season 3, Episode 17

Air Date: January 12, 1962

Plot Summary: A crazy tycoon wants revenge against the people he feels have wronged him throughout his life.

Review: This is another one of those episodes where you can tell they had an idea for a story but couldn't figure out how to expand upon it. I know this episode tends to get steady airings which perplexes me since there wasn't much going on here. All you have is an asshole, named Radin, who is still holding a grudge against 3 people he thinks humiliated him at various points of time. Of course those instances of humiliation were moments when Radin was held accountable for doing something bad, but he doesn't see it in those terms. My biggest gripe is how did this guy still become some successful tycoon despite all of these upsets in his career? Now don't get me wrong, I'm certain most of the world's elite business people are assholes who more than likely did not get where they are through honorable means, but if Radin had these instances slowing him down, coupled with his petty and obsessive nature, how did he manage to even stay focused enough to build a business empire?

Anyway, Radin's little scheme is to trick these 3 people into believing the world was going to be destroyed in a nuclear strike. I suppose he wants to bring them down to his level or, due to their ability to make him feel weak, he wants to make them experience this too. Nevertheless, Radin claims to have the most sophisticated bomb shelter imaginable and wants the 3 to beg for their lives. As anyone with even an inkling of intelligence would realize, no one would go along with this scenario. Shocked that people would rather die with the people they love rather than beg to live with an asshole, Radin freaks out like a baby throwing a tantrum. Then the episode truly loses whatever focus it had as Radin is convinced the world really was destroyed, and he's the last man on Earth. In actuality, Radin is having a mental breakdown outside his building. And that's all she wrote. Eh...I don't know. I can see certain interesting aspects to the story, but they're flimsy. Maybe if Radin's plan wasn't so blatantly stupid the story could have worked.