The Long Morrow

Description: Season 5, Episode 15

Air Date: January 10, 1964

Plot Summary: An astronaut embarks on a journey across time and space while longing for the girlfriend he had to leave behind.

Review: Hmm...this episode probably would have made more sense during season 4 with the hour long time to flesh out the ideas. There's too much going on, the romance is rushed, and the ending is unrealistic due to the time constraint. I understand and can appreciate the story they were trying to tell, but the epic journey is merely alluded to rather than shown.

Through the magic of science fiction, 1960s astronauts can now do 70x the speed of light! Goddamn! The goal is to reach a similar solar system to Earth. The lone astronaut making this journey, Stansfield, will be put into suspended animation for the vast majority of the trip which is estimated to take 40 years in total (including the return). The episode is mostly told through flashbacks while Stansfield sleeps in the stasis. In the months leading up to the launch, Stansfield comes across a scientist, named Sandra, and the two instantly fall in love. Okay, the way Stansfield asks Sandy out is kinda creepy, but, in fairness, that weirdo practically says she's in love with Stansfield after three whole hours of knowing each other. These lunatics were made for one another.

Obviously the difficult part of the journey is that Stansfield will still be young when he returns, and Sandy will be an old woman at that point. Wanting to preserve their love, both of these fools do the opposite of what they said without letting the other know. Seriously, these two deserve each other! Stansfield decides to not enter the suspended animation so that he ages the whole time, and Sandy chooses to enter suspended animation on Earth. Didn't anyone ever tell you guys the key to a good relationship is communication?! Sure enough, Stansfield returns as an old man, and Sandy awakens as a young woman. Instead of resolving anything, Stansfield just tells her to leave, and she obliges without much struggle. Making matters worse, they say that Stansfield's entire mission was pointless! My goodness...this guy can't catch a fucking break.

The only consolation to this entire story is that one guy says he's proud to know Stansfield. Gee, thanks, random dude. In all seriousness though, this is not how the story would play out. Sandy and Stansfield needed closure to this relationship. Likewise, the irony is not emphasized, the epic journey of Stansfield for 40 years is downplayed, and the profound love of the characters is lost. Come on, this is supposed to be some next level, across time and space love--you can't simply brush over that. I wouldn't go as far as to say this episode is bad, because it's not, they just didn't prioritize plot elements. In fact, there was probably enough material here to make a decent sci-fi/romance movie. Oh well.

You Drive

Description: Season 5, Episode 14

Air Date: January 3, 1964

Plot Summary: After a man hits a kid with his car, and flees from the scene, he is haunted by the boy's spirit.

Review: I really want to rank this among the underrated episodes, but it's tough when the episode doesn't want to take itself or the material seriously enough. This could have been the perfect story to replicate that fearful emotion in an episode like "The Hitch-Hiker." Instead, the music is odd, to say the least, and the main character, Ollie, acts like a buffoon rather than someone mulling over his guilt and worrying that he's being haunted. Having another potato pancake of a wife certainly wasn't doing the story any favors either!

As soon as the episode opens, Ollie runs over this kid, the paperboy, as Ollie is coming home from work. They say this kid was 12, but he looked college-aged to me! What the hell is with that? Ollie checks the kid's body and says, "I'm outta here!" as he books it. Almost immediately after going home, Ollie experiences the ghostly presence of the boy despite the kid not being dead yet. The reaction from the wife about this--and I hate to say it--paranormal activity is moronic. She keeps saying that people are breaking into their garage, and, at one point, this bitch leaves the car sitting in the middle of the road. My goodness...these fucking potato pancakes, I tell ya! These kind of shenanigans are why this episode drops the ball when it has, what should be, an otherwise creepy premise.

Later on, when the guilt is getting to Ollie, a business rival stops by and the two argue. Unfortunately for this coworker, an angular turnip for a witness claims the coworker is the one who hit the kid. I should note that the boy has died from his injuries at this point too. After all manner of creepy shit happens, Ollie smashes the car up and decides he will walk to work. The car then turns into Christine and nearly kills Ollie. However, Christine takes pity on Ollie and takes him to the police in order for him to confess and exonerate the coworker. The episode then ends quite abruptly with Mr. Serling closing us out with Ollie going into the police station.

I do really like this episode, because it has a cool story that is ripe with the potential to be scary. Sadly, they don't capitalize on the setup for whatever reason. The episode even went to great lengths to show the car driving around without a driver. I felt like they could have added that disturbing voice from "The Fever" and combined that with a more psychological approach similarly to "The Hitch-Hiker." The music especially was killing the atmosphere as it felt too erratic and cartoonish. With a little more polish, this could have turned into one of the classics, but, instead, is a forgotten episode.

Ring-a-Ding Girl

Description: Season 5, Episode 13

Air Date: December 27, 1963

Plot Summary: A diva-like movie star is drawn to her hometown after receiving a strange ring from her fans.

Review: This story would have been significantly better if, for one, it actually made sense and weren't so similar to the superior episode, "The Hitch-Hiker." You have the titular character, whose real (or stage) name is Bunny Blake, as she is heading toward the set of her next film. Her manager or agent or whatever the hell gives her a present from her fans: a new ring to add to her collection. Apparently she takes this whole ring-a-ding thing literally which just makes me think of Samara and Sadako. When Bunny looks into the ring she sees a vision of her family beckoning her to return to her hometown.

We cut to sometime later as Bunny comes to visit her sister and nephew. It would seem our dear little Bunny is taking a detour before shooting her next movie and wants to live it up for a day in town. The ring was bought by the townspeople each chipping in a dollar, but they never explain how it has any supernatural powers. Nevertheless, Bunny sees more visions and experiences a blackout. Bunny suspects that she was drawn to the town for a specific purpose as she ignores any advice to take it easy and rest. Bunny is convinced something will happen during a local holiday so she manages to sway the townspeople into going to her own little fan greeting; she does this by crashing the TV station.

Toward the end, when everyone is getting ready for Bunny's celebration, a freak accident occurs with a plane crashing in the location the town holiday was intended to be at. Bunny disappears as we realize that plane was the one she had been on all of this time...somehow. For whatever reason, no one is freaking out that Bunny was running around town and shit yet she supposedly died on a plane. Magically, the ring gave Bunny the power to coexist in two places at once...I don't know really. Regardless, Bunny saved the townspeople as her final act. Can't say I'll miss her though--Bunny was annoying as fuck! Overall, I would rank this as an average episode. It has its good points, but it feels like a retread of "The Hitch-Hiker's" twist minus the weight of that story or the suspense. Besides that, it doesn't make a lot of sense since Bunny is seeing the future, clearly alive and not a true ghost since she passes out, and yet we're shown visions of her aboard the plane too so it's not like Scotty beamed her up just to crash.

Ninety Years Without Slumbering

Description: Season 5, Episode 12

Air Date: December 20, 1963

Plot Summary: An old man believes his life is intertwined with a grandfather clock.

Review: Typically when I discuss contenders for the worst episode list they are stupid stories, but this one isn't traditionally bad per se. The problem with this episode is that it was struggling to fill out the running time with a gimmicky plot line; I mean, my plot summary essentially covers this entire episode's story that easily. For whatever reason, the main old guy thinks if his grandfather clock stops ticking he will die--that's all there is to it. They include a visit to a psychiatrist, family drama, a pointless neighbor, and petty vandalism to pad out this story which makes the entire experience feel like a mess. And, in the end, it was all in the old guy's head as he doesn't even die when the clock stops. There is nothing really noteworthy except one shot where the son in law smacks his wife on the ass. First, kudos on your choice of affection...second, that was a bit risque for TZ. I guess I should mention that the old man has a conversation with his own ghost which makes no sense. Or was that supposed to be the spirit of the clock? What the hell was going on in this episode?

A Short Drink From a Certain Fountain

Description: Season 5, Episode 11

Air Date: December 13, 1963

Plot Summary: An old man takes an experimental youth serum in order to keep up with the demands of his young wife.

Review: Ironically, if this episode were made today the person getting the comeuppance would be reversed. You know this scenario: an older, rich guy marries a young, gold digger wife. For whatever reason, the old man, Harmon, mindlessly loves this little chickadee, Flora, despite his brother's advice to ditch the bitch. Unable to keep up with her antics, Harmon ponders suicide if his brother doesn't assist him. It would seem the brother is some kind of doctor working on an experimental serum that would make a person younger. Since they were still testing it on animals, the brother advises against giving Harmon the serum, but Harmon is one insistent mangina.

Later on, Harmon takes the serum and becomes younger. Flora, idiotically not questioning this bizarre situation, is excited about traveling around the world or whatever. However, given the unpredictable nature of the serum, Harmon keeps getting younger until he's been turned back into a little boy. Actually, this wouldn't be too bad as long as my mind remains intact--if I can't have that then screw this serum! The brother explains to Flora that she is stuck with taking care of Harmon until he grows up, now Harmon will get all the attention, and Flora will be the one dealing with the fact that she's getting ever older. Yeah right--maybe in '63. How that shit would go down now: bitch would divorce Harmon, get half or more of his shit, and, indeed, date a younger guy with all her money. That's modern day "fairness." And, making matters worse, Harmon would still grow up to be a little mangina bitch-boy. On the bright side, Flora did mention something about not being a "night nurse," and that sounds like a delightful porno!

The 7th Is Made Up of Phantoms

Description: Season 5, Episode 10

Air Date: December 6, 1963

Plot Summary: Soldiers on an exorcise believe they are interacting with ghosts from a past battle.

Review: This isn't necessarily a bad episode per se, but it doesn't do anything to differentiate itself from similar, past episodes. At first the episode establishes the Battle of Little Bighorn as if it's about to occur, but then we realize it is the present day (or 1964 in the story line). Apparently the US military is doing some kind of exorcise in the region, and the three main characters are a part of a tank crew. They believe they are seeing and hearing various aspects of the battle and want to investigate further. Their commanding officer thinks they're crazy or drunk and reprimands them. Later, when they finally come face to face with the battle itself, the three men are killed in the fight; they didn't bring the tank to the battle in case you're wondering how the hell they could possibly lose. When their commanding officer and a few MPs go to find them, they realize that their names are coincidentally on a nearby memorial. And that's all there really is to it.

I'm assuming that the scope of the story was intended to be much grander which leads to the final experience being so bland. Instead of showing the main characters ever interact with the various Native American tribes battling the 7th Calvary, it is merely implied to be off screen. Likewise, whenever they do show something, the scale is incredibly limited. I don't blame TZ for this as they were obviously dealing with a limited budget as always--I'm simply pointing out why the episode appears shallow or missing something.

Probe 7, Over and Out

Description: Season 5, Episode 9

Air Date: November 29, 1963

Plot Summary: A pilot crash lands on an alien planet just as his world enters a mutually destructive war.

Review: Although this episode boils down to nothing more than a novel twist, I've always enjoyed it and appreciated the concept. Also, because of said twist, it makes describing the story difficult as the vagueness needed to convey the premise actually alludes to that very revelation. Anyway, we meet an injured pilot named Cook who has crashed on some random planet. Conveniently enough, the planet is hospitable, but it is implied that a creature may be lurking nearby his ship. When asking for help from home, Cook learns that the military has more pressing issues regarding an all out world war. Sure enough, a war does begin with a general explaining to Cook how they're entering a state of mutual destruction.

For whatever reason, Cook decides to take a little stroll outside his wrecked ship when he has a seizure or something; I honestly don't know what the hell happened to him. While unconscious, that general transmits to Cook that their world is toasty toast, and he may be the last survivor of their world. When Cook comes to his senses, he is startled by the unknown creature locking itself within his ship. Waiting outside the ship, the creature eventually sneaks away as Cook chases after it. We then realize the creature is actually a disheveled woman. By some impossible twist of fate, this woman is also the last survivor of a totally different planet that was destroyed. Unable to communicate, Cook scares the woman away and later hears that final transmission. Accepting that this planet must become his new home, the woman returns and the two try to get along. The twist is finally revealed that Cook's first name is Adam and the woman's name is Eve. The planet is Earth, Cook has a broken rib referring to that part of Genesis, and Eve offers Cook an apple as that is the food she has been living off of since she arrived on the planet.

I know this probably sounds corny, but they present it well enough and it was a mostly original twist at the time. Obviously you have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit to enjoy this ending. I mean, two separate, yet perfectly similar, human species from across the galaxy cross paths on a livable planet at the exact same point in time?! If such a scenario happened, that would absolutely convince me that it was divine intervention at work. Who knows, maybe that's half the point.