Uncle Simon

Description: Season 5, Episode 8

Air Date: November 15, 1963

Plot Summary: A miserable bitch longs for the day her trash-talking uncle dies.

Review: This is another of the more bizarre episodes in the series. While I understand what they were striving for, they go about presenting this tale in a most unusual fashion. We have the titular character, an old man and scientist, as he reaches the end of his life. Taking care of Simon is his niece, Barbara, who despises the old man. I'm guessing this episode will not see a lot of mainstream airings anymore considering the amount of insults Simon hurls at Barbara especially in regard to her looks, weight, and lack of femininity. I mean, we can't go offending crybabies now can we? For me, I found the insults hilarious! I'm always looking for new insults, and I would happily add "angular turnip" and "toothpick-licking conniver" to my ever-growing list...right alongside potato pancake. Hell, the old man is full of awesome comebacks. Don't feel bad for dear Barbara, however, as she's a greedy bitch simply biding her time for Simon to die in order for her to have all his money and assets. The episode clearly implies that Simon only acts the way he does since he knows Barbara doesn't really care about him and would have left if it bothered her so much.

Later on, Barbara wants to know what secret experiment Simon is working on when she finally decides to kill the old geezer. Believing herself free of Simon, she is surprised to learn that one of the stipulations of Simon's will is that she must take care of his experiment. This experiment turns out to be a robot, seemingly with AI, that is "played" by Robby the Robot from "Forbidden Planet." Simon's lawyer stops by from time to time to make sure Barbara is taking care of the robot as it slowly gains sentience. Eventually it is revealed that the robot has been programmed to take on Simon's personality and Barbara is back to taking care of him. The episode wants this to be creepier than it is displayed, but I understand the goal. While Barbara simply lived for the day Simon would die, this robot would never die, thus, Barbara is fucked. Since Barbara is also a bitch, she would rather stay and endure the torture, while having her money, than be free of the situation which says a lot about her character. It's a fitting tale, but it lacks a certain emphasis and structure necessary to convey its points.

The Old Man in the Cave

Description: Season 5, Episode 7

Air Date: November 8, 1963

Plot Summary: In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, survivors are given survival advice from a mysterious old man.

Review: As I grow ever hyped about the release of "Fallout 4," this episode comes at a perfect time to fuel my excitement! In fact, I could easily see this being the inspiration for a quest in the FO series or some kind of weird cult faction. But enough about FO...this is an interesting episode despite my spoiling of the twist right in the picture. In the story, you have a town full of idiotic survivors after a nuclear war 10 years prior. Their leader, Goldsmith, receives instructions from the titular old man in regards to what food, drink, and soil is contaminated. Due to the desperation and outright idiocy of the survivors, they often question the wisdom of the old man and want to indulge their thirst and hunger. While I can't entirely blame them, you have to understand this is an irradiated wasteland and only a fool would risk contamination.

Later on, a group of soldiers from an allegedly, newly restored government come to town. Goldsmith believes they are just thieves or raiders pretending to be official in order to get free food, water, and shelter. When they explain to the soldiers about the old man, they doubt his existence and believe Goldsmith is swindling the survivors. After trying to blow up the entrance to the cave, the soldiers say screw it and talk the survivors into eating contaminated food and getting drunk with irradiated alcohol. I love how TZ even depicts some whore survivor trying to hook up with two of the soldiers. In this state of indulgence, the survivors all turn on Goldsmith and force him to reveal the old man, if he truly exists, once and for all. Now this is an interesting aspect to the episode as you see Goldsmith preferring death to giving up the old man but changes his tune at one point; I believe this point is to show us Goldsmith realizes these people are unworthy of surviving. Sure enough, the old man is a computer that has somehow been programmed to assist the humans and must have had an internal Geiger counter. My one gripe with this reveal, besides the predictability, is that the cave door makes you think this will be some kind of facility...yet the computer appears to be just floating with no plug or power source. Uhh...not possible. Come on, TZ, you could have used one of your existing sets; this is an embarrassing flub. Nevertheless, the survivors idiotically destroy the computer and seal their fates. The next day, Goldsmith wanders around town, pondering the mysteries of the universe, as we see all the survivors and soldiers' dead bodies lying about. A somber end and final depiction of one possible path for humanity to take--kind of ballsy too for the era.

Overall, a decent episode in light of the obvious revelation that there won't be just some old man hanging out, chowing down on canned beans, and sipping away on Nuka Cola. I appreciate the controversial plot in that TZ outright showed the aftermath of 1960s America being destroyed rather than some hypothetical, future date being a destroyed. Complimenting this idea is the pessimistic view that humanity will ultimately doom itself on top of that. If only a few aspects had been cleaned up, and given polish, this could have been one of the classics. As it stands, this falls just short of being worthy of the underrated category.

Living Doll

Description: Season 5, Episode 6

Air Date: November 1, 1963

Plot Summary: A little girl's new doll does not take kindly to the rude antics of the girl's stepfather.

Review: Not only is this one of the best episodes, I consider this to be the scariest episode in the entire series. Sure, the story is tame by today's standards, but this would have been incredibly freaky back in '63 especially if you were a kid. Actually, even today, wouldn't you be unnerved--to say the least--if a doll was telling you how she was going to kill you? I'd throw that bitch right into the fire alongside Chucky! Even though we have accounts of haunted dolls over the centuries, like "Robert" for example, is Talky Tina the first depicted in TV/movies? I am excluding dummies by the way. If anyone knows the answer, let me know.

The story focuses on, what I would consider, a dysfunctional family for the era. The little girl, Christie, is bought a doll, called Talky Tina, by her mom. It is never explained how Talky Tina is alive, but I guess that keeps things creepier. By the way, Talky Tina is voiced by the legendary voice actress, June Foray, who has an extensive history of famous roles. The mom, Annabelle, tries to hide the purchase from her husband, Erich, who is actually Christie's stepfather. Wait...Annabelle...killer doll...this can't be a coincidence. Maybe the demon allegedly haunting the Annabelle doll was a fan of the episode! Anyway, Erich, played by Telly Savalas, is such an insufferable asshole definitely deserving of his comeuppance. He's always saying something uncalled for and is in dire need of a roundhouse kick to the face. With that said, I have to blame Annabelle here since she chose to marry this bitch-boy knowing how he was. Plus, where is Christie's real father? Hmm...

The episode doesn't waste any time as Talky Tina starts making her threats early on when no one is around except Erich. She starts off with explaining how she hates Erich, but she eventually escalates into saying that she will kill him. Erich thinks this is some kind of gag with microphones or whatever. Come on, son. The thing that really gets to him is when Talky Tina calls him on the phone. Now that's a great scene! Erich tries to destroy Talky Tina, but she is somehow impervious to damage...or at least the lame shit Erich tries. Douche, just start a fire and throw her in it! If all else fails, call Sam and Dean. So after running around displaying the intolerable combo of asshole and idiot, Erich gives Talky Tina back to Christie before going to bed. Big mistake. Waking up to a weird sound, Erich seeks to find Talky Tina who has disappeared from Christie's room. When he goes down the stairs he trips on the doll and, seemingly, breaks his neck. Wow, dude, you lived as a bitch and you went out like one too! The ending is a bit of misstep as Talky Tina reveals to Annabelle that she's alive and makes another passive threat. I think, given the context of the episode, it should have been left ambiguous as to whether Talky Tina was really alive or if she was some kind of manifestation of Christie. This could work since there are minor hints about Christie seeing a psychiatrist and perhaps having psychological problems. Oh well, it's not a deal breaker.

I have always enjoyed this episode over the years as it nails that ominous and disturbing atmosphere; it has that right blend of scary and intrigue, and it works so perfectly. TZ doesn't have a lot of legitimately scary episodes, and this would have premiered right after Halloween to delight the kiddies. Talky Tina as a concept also stands the test of time and could still be relevant and frightening to today's audiences. I know this episode is often considered amongst the classics, but it should be higher up in the ranking. This is definitely a contender for my top 10 list that's for sure.

The Last Night of a Jockey

Description: Season 5, Episode 5

Air Date: October 25, 1963

Plot Summary: A disgraced Jockey is granted the thing he wants most in the world.

Review: I think we definitely have another contender for the worst episode list. It's a shame too, because I can appreciate the one-man show concept being unique to this episode. All we get is a jockey named Grady, played by Mickey Rooney, who has been fired after his most recent scandal. I gotta say, how the hell is horse racing a sport though? The horses do all the damn work! Anyway, Grady is a whiny little bitch with an inferiority complex. Magically, an alter-ego version of Grady materializes to taunt the guy. Strangely enough, the alter-ego claims it will grant Grady any one wish as well. So this is a genie story now? Grady idiotically wishes to be big, in the vaguest of terms, and is turned into a giant man. The alter ego then explains how stupid the wish was and offers up better ideas that would have helped Grady in the long run. In the lamest of twists, Grady is offered his job back, but now he's too big of a man to be a jockey. Oh no!

The reason this episode fails so hard is due to the nonsensical nature of the plot. What exactly is this alter-ego? The episode explains it as a kind of force of the universe or something. Hell if I know. They clearly wanted this to be another genie episode but couldn't structure the plot around it--leaving us with this. While I applaud Mr. Rooney for carrying the episode by himself and talking to himself, that's the only saving grace. This is just a bizarre story in general.

A Kind of a Stopwatch

Description: Season 5, Episode 4

Air Date: October 18, 1963

Plot Summary: An annoying man is given a supernatural stopwatch that can freeze the world with the press of a button.

Review: This is an interesting episode in theory, but they don't fully utilize the material until the abrupt ending. You have an annoying little bitch you'd love to punch, named McNulty, that is clueless to reality. He also keeps saying "you think about that now" as if whatever he says is genius level insight. Although you wouldn't recognize him from the episode, McNulty is played by Richard Erdman who is more recently known as Leonard from "Community." Anyway, McNulty bothers everyone is his life which leads to his boss finally firing him. After clearing the patrons out of a bar by never shutting up, McNulty notices a loner that actually wants to engage him in conversation. Nothing is ever explained, but the loner gives McNulty a magic stopwatch that freezes the world in place. You could say it simply freezes people, but we are shown a helicopter frozen in place without falling so we have to conclude the stopwatch manipulates reality itself.

Considering how powerful the stopwatch is, you'd think McNulty would do something meaningful with it but nope. He tries to idiotically show it off to his boss and get it mass produced. When the boss doesn't care, McNulty decides to play pointless pranks. Later on, when bothering the bar patrons again, McNulty further engages in zany antics. It finally dawns on McNulty that he should rob a bank and become someone of importance, but he drops and breaks the stopwatch while the world is frozen. Hmm...one of the most powerful objects in existence, and it breaks from, at best, a four foot fall? Flimsy as hell. The episode simply ends with McNulty freaking out since he will have no one to bother ever again. Ehh, I don't know--this felt like the lighthearted version of "Time Enough at Last." McNulty takes too long to do anything interesting and the ending felt rushed. Realistically, people who have homaged the episode did it better. One example I can think of, that toyed with the material more realistically, was an episode of "Friday the 13th: The Series" called "13 O'Clock."

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

Description: Season 5, Episode 3

Air Date: October 11, 1963

Plot Summary: Recovering from a nervous breakdown, a man believes he sees a creature tampering with the wing of his plane.

Review: Not only is this a classic episode, but I would say its easily among the most iconic in the entire series. I mean, you've got it all: William Shatner somehow not turning in a Shatner-esque performance, a nice little jump scare for the kiddies in '63, and even breaking the fourth wall. The production value for this particular episode looked very good too...well, except for the laughable design of the gremlin. Obviously I can't put my mindset into that of 1963, but, even as a kid, I thought the gremlin looked moronic. He looks like a big teddy bear, or a furry wearing footy pajamas, mixed with the freaks from the "Eye of the Beholder" episode. What the hell?!

The story follows Bob, along with his wife, on a flight shortly after he was released from a sanitarium. We don't get the full details of Bob's supposed nervous breakdown, but it is alluded to involve planes. Elevating his anxiety, the couple sits next to the auxiliary exit which will come into play at the end. Sometime into the stormy flight, a restless Bob stares out the window only to see the gremlin doing whatever it is that a gremlin does. Trying to get others to see the creature, the flight crew begins to think Bob is crazy. Bob's wife is also unnerved by this scenario as she fears Bob was not ready for this flight. They did miss an opportunity to toy with the audience's perception of whether or not it was all in Bob's head but oh well.

Through sheer shenanigans, no one ever sees the gremlin whom conveniently knows when to disappear from view at just the right time. Yeah, I'm calling bullshit. No one else was ever looking out the window except the one guy no one will believe?! Wake up one of the old geezers on the plane and make them stare out the window with you! When one member of the flight crew tries to patronize Bob, he realizes he's on his own to figure out what to do. Realizing that the gremlin will sabotage the plane if not stopped, Bob steals a gun from an air marshal or whatever he was supposed to be. Using the auxiliary exit, Bob is nearly sucked through the window, but he manages to shoot that pajama wearing freak to death. We cut to the flight landing somewhere, and Bob is being carried away to an ambulance. Bob looks to the audience and says that they will eventually realize the truth as the camera pans to the damaged wing.

Overall, this is a fantastic episode. The story is balanced in just the right way and is a return to form not seen since season 3. Likewise, it's very imaginative and original while still being somewhat relatable at the time; these are the kind of circumstances that make for the most memorable episodes. It may not be one of my favorites, but I appreciate and respect its impact. Many have parodied this episode in varying capacities which is yet another testament to TZ's legacy.

Steel

Description: Season 5, Episode 2

Air Date: October 4, 1963

Plot Summary: In the future, a man is forced to take the place of his android in a boxing match.

Review: At a glance, this episode should be interesting, considering it is a human fighting a machine, but they do not play up the themes properly at all. It's tough to pinpoint what went wrong since they do touch on all the right ideas. We have the story set in the distant future of 1974 where androids appear to be commonplace. The main character, ridiculously nicknamed Steel, and a mechanic, of some sort, have set up a match between their outdated android and a newer model. Their android is holding together with glue and prayer, but the duo are desperate for money and will take what they can get. When preparing for the fight, their android's right arm breaks permanently. Unwilling to accept the failure, Steel, conveniently a former boxer himself, decides he will take on the android in place of their fighter. Obviously Steel is defeated within minutes, which says more about these shit androids than anything, but the duo are only paid half the money for not lasting more than one round. And that's really all there is to the episode; Steel just discusses how they can repair their android with half the money. The ending is totally lackluster. The episode tries to approach how human will surpasses mechanized brawn, but it does not do the material justice; they also do not emphasize the subject with the depth or attention it needed. There was, nearly, endless potential with this plot, however, the episode could not deliver. Hell, it would have been more amusing if they went with the Hollywood ending of Steel beating the android!