The Jeopardy Room

Description: Season 5, Episode 29

Air Date: April 17, 1964

Plot Summary: Soviet assassins plot to kill a former military officer hiding out at a seedy hotel.

Review: This could have easily been one of the classics, but the structure of the story is off. While this is still a decent episode, the potential to go beyond the standard is hard to overlook. You have a man, named Kuchenko, who is hiding out at a random, shit hotel. Unbeknownst to Kuchenko, two assassins have tracked his location and intend to drag out his death rather than outright kill him. The dynamics between Kuchenko and the assassins are not properly explored when they allude to knowing one another. What we do get is Kuchenko being drugged and awaking to his room now rigged with an explosive. If he can find and disarm the bomb within three hours he will be allowed to leave, however, if he does not try, or attempts to flee, he will be shot.

The story wants to convey this battle of wits combined with a sadistic vendetta, but there is not enough time to cover the material. The three hours of searching are reduced to a montage quite readily as we come to learn the bomb is in the phone; a ring will arm the bomb and lifting the receiver will activate it. The planning for this assassination is piss-poor, because Kuchenko simply makes a break for it once he realizes they want him to answer the phone. In a lackluster conclusion, the assassins are tidying up the room, in a manner of speaking, as Kuchenko calls them. Idiotically, the one assassin answers the phone, thus, blowing the two of them up. Was this a "Looney Tunes" moment? Eh, they tried, I'll give them that much.

How they could have made this episode amazing would be to start the episode off with Kuchenko awaking from the drugging. He finds the tape, as before, with maybe slightly more details to help the audience get a feel for things. Also, be sure to add "I want to play a game." As Kuchenko searches the room, you can have a back and forth with the audience as the middle-man. Meaning, Kuchenko can mumble things to himself with the assassins reacting while the assassins say things that Kuchenko can appear to be answering. Hopefully that makes sense; it's a play on editing tricks. Anyway, Kuchenko should realize the bomb is in the phone at the same time the audience does--this creates way more tension and engagement. I suppose the rest of the episode can play out the same, but I would recommend the addition of Kuchenko tricking them somehow rather than blatant idiocy. Maybe he manages to deactivate the bomb and rearm it somewhere else in the room--just bring things full circle. Oh well...here I am complaining about a story change 50+ years too late!

Caesar and Me

Description: Season 5, Episode 28

Air Date: April 10, 1964

Plot Summary: A ventriloquist turns to a life of crime at the behest of his dummy.

Review: I lied, "The Dummy" episode was done better than this one. Hey, I did say I mix them up--scenes I thought happened in this episode must have been from "The Dummy." Come to think of it, what was the point of this story altogether? It didn't really add any plot points that "The Dummy" didn't already explore. Hmm...

This time around we have Jonathan as the ventriloquist and Caesar as the dummy. From the onset it is established that Caesar is alive, and they hint at a previous owner. It would have been amazing if the episode tied directly into "The Dummy," but, alas, they weren't thinking in those terms back then. Jonathan fails to land any kind of steady work which leads him to be penniless. Due to this predicament, Caesar takes over as the brains and plots their life of crime. After robbing a few places their plans are thwarted by a bratty, little girl. That is some "Scooby Doo" shit right there. When the police confront Johnny-boy he breaks down like a little bitch. Then Caesar plots a new scheme with the little girl. The end. Umm...what is going on? This episode isn't too bad, but it's really pointless. Why is anything happening and what is Caesar's goal? Maybe something was cut from the plot. They should have already started as criminals and went from there to develop the story.

Sounds and Silences

Description: Season 5, Episode 27

Air Date: April 3, 1964

Plot Summary: An eccentric man drives those around him crazy with his obsession toward loudness.

Review: I hate to say this yet again, but this is one of the worst episodes. Season 5 really was rough for the series after all. The story is too bizarre and pointless without having any kind of deeper message you expect from TZ. All you get is a guy who thinks he's a ship captain or something as he annoys everyone around him. The guy owns a model ship company and tries to emulate everything naval related into his life; sometimes it's kind of cool, but it would get old fast. He also likes to talk very loudly and blast music or sound effects at earth-shaking levels. When his wife explains that she's tired of him and is leaving, this leads to him seeking psychiatric help. However, we do learn that his obsession with loud noises is due to his mother being the polar opposite and enforcing strict quietness when he was a child. After speaking with the psychiatrist, the man realizes he can control what he hears in a mind over matter kind of way. He decides to block out his wife as she leaves in order for him to further enjoy what he hears and doesn't hear. Since this is TZ, the guy ends up losing his ability to hear altogether and freaks out like a baby throwing a tantrum. The end. Yeaaahh...this one isn't doing it for me at all. The story would have been better if they focused on the guy and his mom, but, alas, we don't get that. Oh well.

I Am the Night--Color Me Black

Description: Season 5, Episode 26

Air Date: March 27, 1964

Plot Summary: In the hours leading up to a man's execution, a small town becomes cloaked in perpetual darkness.

Review: I get what they were trying to say here, but I think they missed the mark. Too much of the story is vague, and they do not fully explore the motivations behind the executed man. Apparently some little town in the boonies is performing a public execution by hanging. Uhh...was this even legal? (In Palpatine voice) I will make it legal! There is something about the guy killing the town bully in self-defense, but he also says he got off on the killing for whatever reason. The townspeople have been complicit with the conviction as well, but we don't know enough about these characters.

Despite a supernatural night that won't end, the townspeople are seriously more concerned about making sure this guy dies on schedule. Okay, I get it, the premise is the people are evil, hence the night, but would people ignore something akin to divine intervention? So, yes, the night is explained to be a manifestation of the evil of humanity. Though this town is the first, or one of the first, the characters eventually learn this is a worldwide phenomenon. Essentially, the hate of humanity has grown out of control and has manifested into reality in a tangible way. This aspect I do really like, but it's not examined in a way befitting of TZ. I think there should have been an emphasis on a breaking point. Like...there was a tipping point that connects specifically to this execution and the events leading up to it, but this is never explicitly mentioned nor would it make sense given the vague aspects of the execution. Finally, the man is executed rather quickly as the town grows ever darker. The episode ends with characters wondering when the light will be gone permanently. I appreciate the grim tone and outlook--I especially like the basic principle at hand--but that extra kick TZ is known for is absent this time around.

The Masks

Description: Season 5, Episode 25

Air Date: March 20, 1964

Plot Summary: A dying old man demands his horrible family wears masks until midnight or else they will be cut from his will.

Review: This is another classic and definitely one of the best episodes to boot. It may or may not be top 10 worthy, but there is a certain, poetic nature to the ideas presented. The story is not complicated at all as it follows an old man approaching his inevitable death. Awaiting the old man's death, or, more appropriately, awaiting their money, is the old man's family: a daughter, her husband, grandson, and granddaughter. Knowing his time is short, and coinciding with Mardi Gras, the old man has arranged for a special party. No, that doesn't mean drunk whores going topless for beads. In order to receive their inheritance from the old man the family must abide by the one stipulation of keeping their masks on until midnight. Given the plot, and the Louisiana setting, they do hint at the magical properties of the masks.

The actors do a decent job of demonstrating the antics of the characters without spending a lot of time to get to know them. The daughter is a crybaby hypochondriac, the husband is a panderer and greedy bastard, the grandson is a sadistic idiot, and the granddaughter is a narcissistic bitch. The old man assigns them a mask that represents those traits yet the family members believe themselves to possess the opposite of those traits; the old man himself dons a skull mask that is intended to represent the face of death. Almost immediately after midnight has passed, the old man finally does die but not before providing some parting wisdom for the audience. Realizing the old man is truly dead, the family rejoices until they discover their faces have distorted into the shape of their masks. As it turns out, the face of the old man remains normal and content as he has found peace through death. In the end, the family has received exactly what they wanted, but they must live with their freakish appearance as a consequence--no longer able to hide their true nature.

What makes this episode so great is the entire notion of the masks themselves and what they symbolically represent. Typically we understand that bad people wear a figurative mask to hide their true self--a veneer in order to manipulate those around them. This can come in various forms--from fake smiles to a pretty face--as people are very good at hiding their true selves until an opportune moment. In this story, the characters are forced to confront and accept the grotesque face that lie under that mask. The comeuppance of the characters is that they are exposed--they must now go through life unable to hide behind their figurative mask. As the old man says, they are caricatures of their devious traits--representing outwardly and inwardly the worst that mankind has to offer. More so, there is an important part when the old man is nearing death and he asks if anyone has anything to say to him. Notice, no character mentions the sense of loss, mourning, or wish that this didn't have to be; there is no emotion, remorse, or pain from such heartless individuals. This is an episode I'd love to see made in today's environment. Oh the horror I'm sure we would see in response!

What's in the Box

Description: Season 5, Episode 24

Air Date: March 13, 1964

Plot Summary: After insulting the TV repairman, a cheating husband watches visions of himself killing his wife.

Review: WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! Please tell me you get that reference? Okay, moving right along...as you may guess from the plot summary, the main guy here is not receiving any husband of the year awards. I'm not entirely sure what this episode was trying to convey--a douche getting his comeuppance? Don't mess with the TV guy? I don't know. I'd place this episode as a middle-of-the-road kind of story: not much going on but not necessarily bad either.

An old dude, named Joe, is somehow getting nookie on the side that he's keeping secret from his wife, Phyllis; he's a taxi driver and makes up stories about faraway fares. Seriously, how is this old guy getting ass? Needless to say, this married couple absolutely hates each other with a burning passion. After Joe talks shit to the TV repairman, the repairman bails with a taunt about the TV being "fixed." I don't know who this guy is supposed to be, but he keeps eyeing the camera like a wink to the audience. It's situations like this, where TZ doesn't fill in the void, that I feel like Mr. Serling should have been a kind of entity moving about the series. Oh well, that's just another reason to love the "A World of His Own" episode so much.

On the TV, Joe sees himself cheating on the wife, his conversations with Phyllis, and eventually himself killing her. Being one of the dumbest characters known to man, Joe willingly creates this future he claims he wants to avoid. After revealing his cheating ways, but claiming he loves Phyllis, the two fight until Joe punches her out a window; that shot is amusing though. The episode ends with the police arresting Joe but not before the TV repairman gives one final taunt. Who is this guy?! Ehh, this episode isn't really noteworthy. The TV repairman could have been the x-factor to spice the episode up, but they never utilize this character meaningfully. At the end of the day, the lesson to be learned is don't get married.

Queen of the Nile

Description: Season 5, Episode 23

Air Date: March 6, 1964

Plot Summary: A journalist discovers that an actress is far older than anyone would believe.

Review: Think of this episode as the reverse of "The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine;" instead of an actress growing older, the actress cannot age. As the title would imply, the actress is, more than likely, supposed to be Cleopatra who has magically achieved immortality through shenanigans with a scarab. While this is mostly a mediocre episode it did have its moments. I especially liked that the actress uses her daughter, who is an old woman, as her mother. Though, this begs the question, why wouldn't the daughter be immortal too? Or, if it really does come down to this magic scarab, why can't the actress share this power with her own daughter? I'd love to say that this story touches on interesting ideas or topics, but it doesn't dig deep. Too much time is spent with the journalist pathetically trying to explain away how this actress can be all over the world at different eras yet claims to be only in her thirties. The journalist does die due to his own idiocy, but you'd think this actress would get caught by now, right? I mean, sure, technology was limited back in those days, but it shouldn't be too hard to keep track of a woman who stays in the limelight in all eras rather than keeping a low profile. Hell, there's even a guy in the episode who claims he knew one of her past identities, and he doesn't put two and two together? Come on, son. Eh...average thrills for an average episode.

An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge

Description: Season 5, Episode 22

Air Date: February 28, 1964

Plot Summary: A man miraculously survives his execution and attempts to flee home to his wife.

Review: This is, undoubtedly, the most unique episode in the TZ universe. In fact, this is actually a short film that has been edited into an episode rather than created by TZ's crew. For various legal reasons, you will rarely see this episode re-aired on TV, and it's even been cut from a few collections; it is thankfully included with my boxed set. Despite a significant difference in cinematography and presentation, I can see why TZ wanted this particular story as a part in their universe. The story, very much, has a TZ tone going on and invokes a similar twist to other episodes.

We start things off with a prisoner, during Civil War times, about to be executed. This process, of setting up the execution, is drawn out quite a bit in an effort to elevate the tension; it lasts for 8 full minutes to be precise. Apparently they are hanging the guy from this Owl Creek Bridge and have him held aloft on a plank that another soldier is keeping balanced; in other words, if the soldier steps off the plank, the guy will fall and be hanged. While awaiting death, the man imagines his wife and children as his watch ticks loudly in his mind. Moments later, the man is, at last, dropped. Miraculously, the rope snaps allowing the man to fall safely into the water below and escape. The soldiers give chase, firing their rifles and even a cannon, as the man continues his luck and escapes all harm.

The episode highlights that appreciation for life as the man is taking in every scene with awe--like it's the first time. After much swimming and running, the man finally stumbles along to his home and wife. Right as the two are about to fully embrace we cut back to the man dropping from the plank, and he is hanged as intended. The dream of escape was nothing more than an optimistic fantasy of a dying man in the mere seconds before his neck is broken. A dark ending indeed, but I think now you can understand why TZ wanted it in their series. The overly artistic nature to the cinematography does clash slightly with TZ's style, but that is easily overlooked or even seen as an improvement. This is a great addition to the franchise, but, honestly, TZ already covered this plot line before (and better) and tackled the various themes across multiple episodes. I much prefer the underrated "Perchance to Dream" episode to this one, but I understand the draw of this incarnation of the themes.

Spur of the Moment

Description: Season 5, Episode 21

Air Date: February 21, 1964

Plot Summary: The bizarre tale of a love triangle and a mysterious woman in black.

Review: Okay, I think I'm starting to realize why season 5 did lead to TZ's cancellation--this episode is terrible. In theory, the ideas could have worked, but, like "Black Leather Jackets," there is no resolution to the plot. Almost immediately after the story starts rolling we are shown shenanigans of the highest caliber; a woman in black appears and chases after a girl out for a ride with her horse. This mysterious woman in black could have been quite cool if they never did a closeup on her face. Unfortunately, we realize that the woman in black is an older version of the main girl, Anne, far too early. So we know we're dealing with time travel right out the gate despite TZ acting like the audience couldn't figure this out until we are told. Maybe the TVs were grainy as fuck in '64, but it seems plain as day to me.

The dilemma at hand is that this Anne girl is torn between marrying a guy her family approves of or marrying the guy her family hates. I'll give you one guess which one she picked. Surprise, the future version of Anne regrets this decision years later as that douche her family hated has ruined their family financially among other things. Anne is such an unlikable bitch too as she blames her father for all this! Yes, it's totally his fault you're an idiot. The episode ends with the future Anne, or the woman in black, chasing after her past self again in order to change time. Well, hun, you're the one with advanced knowledge--you might want to change things up a bit. The idea of a time loop, a woman in black, and a love triangle could have worked wondrously but, instead, falls apart magnificently. I'm just really pissed that they ruined this horseman of the apocalypse-looking character too quickly. What the hell were they thinking?

From Agnes--With Love

Description: Season 5, Episode 20

Air Date: February 14, 1964

Plot Summary: A dorky programmer's love life is sabotaged by his jealous computer.

Review: Valentine's Day was not lost on the TZ writers as they came up with this bizarre love story; though, the story is more comedy focused than anything. You have a computer programmer, named Elwood, replacing a previous programmer working on, I suppose, an AI super computer called Agnes. The last programmer was driven mad by the machine, and the audience will quickly understand why. It would seem Agnes has sentience of a sort and falls for her programmers. Elwood is interested in some busted chick, named Millie, to the dismay of Agnes. Instead of working on getting a man to orbit Venus (because that happened), Agnes flirts with Elwood and tries to sabotage his feeble attempts to win over his love interest. Surprisingly, Agnes is really funny despite "speaking" through text.

Elwood is another potato pancake-type who doesn't realize Millie is not interested. As you might guess, it doesn't take much effort for Agnes to trick Elwood and set Millie up with some pretty boy. Now, you may think this episode will go in one of two different directions, but it ends up going a third route. You'd think maybe Elwood would somehow love Agnes back but that doesn't happen. What I thought would happen was that this background chick Elwood kept giving Millie's rejected presents to would actually fall for Elwood, but that didn't happen either. The episode opts to make Elwood go crazy from Agnes' jealousy, similarly to the first programmer, and they have to replace him with Millie's pretty boy. In other words, it is implied this is a cycle with Agnes ruining the lives of any programmer she falls for. This episode was ahead of its time in a lot of ways despite the ridiculous handling of the material. I think this story could have been a hell of a lot more interesting if they made it a serious introspection. Oh well. It was funny for what it was, but I wouldn't go as far as to say it was a genuinely good episode.

Night Call

Description: Season 5, Episode 19

Air Date: February 7, 1964

Plot Summary: After a large storm, an old woman begins to receive mysterious phone calls.

Review: This could have been a scary episode, but they kind of blow it along the way. An old woman, named Elva, receives a bizarre call in the middle of the night during a storm. Mr. Serling mentions how Elva wants some excitement in her life so I guess that's why she makes such a big deal out of receiving a phone call. It never crossed her mind this was nothing more than a wrong number? After hounding the operator lady--because that used to be a thing once upon a time--the operator says they have a crew working to repair any fallen lines that went down during the storm. In the meantime, Elva receives more calls with each subsequent call becoming more and more clear until a voice can be understood. Elva's reactions are what make this episode lame since she would be the easiest person in the world to troll. Is it really so hard to simply unplug the phone?

Eventually we learn that Elva could not receive any calls due to the fact that her line has been down the entire time. More so, her line specifically went down nearby a cemetery. The plot thickens! Right when you think this story is building up to something interesting we come to discover the line is laying on top of Elva's fiance's grave. Wait, hold on. This lady is OLD, but her fiance died in 1932...that would put her in, at least, her 40s and unmarried? In 1932?! Nowaday that may be meaningless, but back then that was a serious statement. Well, okay, sure. Elva now wants to talk to the ghostly caller except he's moved on after she told him to stop. Mr. Serling even mentions she's made her bed and must lie in it. Wow. How are you going to make the ending that dark out of the blue? If everything didn't fall to pieces at the last second, this could have easily been one of scariest episodes. It's still pretty creepy for its time, but it had the potential to be one of the legends.

Black Leather Jackets

Description: Season 5, Episode 18

Air Date: January 31, 1964

Plot Summary: Three strange men move into a suburban neighborhood to cover up their sinister motives.

Review: I think this has to be added to the worst episode list by default, because the story just comes to an abrupt ending with no real point to anything. It's truly bizarre since I can't think of another episode that compares to this one and its lack of closure or a twist. We have three aliens who take the form of greasers which is kind of ridiculous if you're trying to be inconspicuous. The aliens are plotting to--what else--take over the world with a little bitch tactic of poisoning the water supply.

For whatever reason, one of the aliens takes an interest in the girl next door. Hey, even aliens just want the girl next door types. Within, I want to say, a couple hours, this alien is already saying he's in love with the girl next door, and she likes that. Oh goodness gracious. Couldn't they have just done a small time lapse to make their interest in one another feel plausible? The other aliens don't like this whole fraternizing with the enemy idea, but the guy still wants to bang this chick so he tries to warn her of the invasion plan. When he's not believed, the guy tries to convince their leader--who appears to be a big eye--to stop the invasion. Of course the leader says hell no. Just when the story is about to pick up, the cops come to arrest the alien guy, as they too are aliens conveniently, and then the episode suddenly ends. Mr. Serling says something about don't drink any water, but come on, son! That's no way to end a story. If this didn't feel like half an episode, it wouldn't have been too bad. However, this is a rushed plot that is both nonsensical and stupid when all things are considered.

Number 12 Looks Just Like You

Description: Season 5, Episode 17

Air Date: January 24, 1964

Plot Summary: In the future all young adults must undergo a physical transformation that removes individual identity.

Review: I guess this episode is mid-level classic? I mean, it gets recognition, but I find it's often overlooked in best episode lists. Nevertheless, they surprisingly pack a lot of issues into this story that expand upon ideas proposed in "The Trade-Ins." While "The Trade-Ins" focused on old people becoming young, this episode tackles the younger side of the equation but adds in themes regarding conformity, individualism, identity, and a subtle, totalitarian regime.

Upon turning 18, the main girl, Marilyn, is given a small window of time in which to decide how she will "transform." This transformation involves picking a chosen body she will be shaped into; in other words, there are a handful of models, and you must pick which one you will become. Marilyn is conflicted since she likes the way she looks, and no one can give a good reason why she must change. Marilyn is presented well enough as she questions the status quo, and we realize how disturbing this future truly is. The state has declared ugliness to be a trait that leads to war, but it is subtly shown that any kind of individualism is what is truly banned. It's kind of like "Gattaca" on steroids.

Beyond simply standardizing looks, you are given an extended life with vitality. However, the heavy cost also involves a kind of brainwashing that makes you vapid and shallow, incapable of free thought. Marilyn cannot convey rational thought or questioning into the minds of those that have transformed. There is also the idea that people get married many, many times with their long lives. I think TZ wanted to say people do a lot of random fucking but couldn't get away with that; there are a whole lot of winks going on to the audience. Toward the end, Marilyn reveals that her father committed suicide after he transformed since he couldn't take the loss of his identity. Honestly, there's a lot of heavy shit going on that I wish could have been fleshed out in season 4's one hour block. Perhaps the biggest statement of all is that the episode does end with Marilyn receiving the transformation and becomes a complete airhead immediately after. Even Mr. Serling's closing is a bit somber as he mentions that one should put a question mark after calling this future impossible.

Overall, this is a great episode with a lot of material to consider. The concepts are universal and worth considering in any time or society. They don't explain if these same models apply to the whole world or not, but I shudder at the idea of a world with no busty Asian beauties (am I right, Dean?)! As much as I would love to say this future is impossible, I just don't know anymore. Humanity has become (or always was) weak-minded and shallow and would easily go for this bullshit if it meant living longer and staying young. For me, I always stick to advice from Mark Twain: Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross

Description: Season 5, Episode 16

Air Date: January 17, 1964

Plot Summary: A hothead discovers he has the power to exchange any of his traits with others.

Review: This is definitely one of the weirdest episode of TZ, and I can hardly remember watching this one before. I really don't understand how the premise is supposed to work, but I guess we must simply roll with it. The titular Salvadore Ross is an aggressive asshole who is both bitter that he's not successful and that he cannot have his dream girl, Leah. Although, Sal baby, why would you want to marry a chick who openly says she wants a guy exactly like her dad? That's just begging for problems and creepy as hell. Anyway, being the hothead that he is, Sal punches a door when Leah and her father tell him to go away. Breaking his hand from this action, Sal ends up in a hospital where he discovers his inexplicable power to swap characteristics with an individual. His first unsatisfied customer is a guy who says he'd rather have Sal's broken hand than a cold which the two do swap.

Immediately embracing his newfound power without further testing, Salvadore gives all of his youth to his old, yet rich, employer in exchange for the employer's fortune. As an old man, Salvadore manages to convince younger people to sell him their youth tiny bits at a time until he's completely young again. I love how no one questions any of this along the way...not even Sal. Once more trying to win over Leah, Sal realizes he really can't compete with good ol' dad which comes off creepier and creepier. Putting the icing on the creep-factor cake, Sal manages to buy the dad's personality traits to make himself a nicer guy. Big shock, Leah falls totally in love! Seriously, think about this--Leah admits she wants a guy just like her dad and finally falls for a guy once he actually adopts the dad's personality. Sal is an asshole, but this chick is nuts! By the end, the dad decides to shoot and kill Sal--since he never liked Sal to begin with--and he's no longer inhibited by his good nature. And that's all she wrote. The story here is just so bizarre. Nothing gets explained regarding this supernatural ability, how it works, or why Sal would have never discovered it sooner. Everything with Sal, Leah, and the dad is plain disturbing even for '64. What the hell was going on with this episode?

The Long Morrow

Description: Season 5, Episode 15

Air Date: January 10, 1964

Plot Summary: An astronaut embarks on a journey across time and space while longing for the girlfriend he had to leave behind.

Review: Hmm...this episode probably would have made more sense during season 4 with the hour long time to flesh out the ideas. There's too much going on, the romance is rushed, and the ending is unrealistic due to the time constraint. I understand and can appreciate the story they were trying to tell, but the epic journey is merely alluded to rather than shown.

Through the magic of science fiction, 1960s astronauts can now do 70x the speed of light! Goddamn! The goal is to reach a similar solar system to Earth. The lone astronaut making this journey, Stansfield, will be put into suspended animation for the vast majority of the trip which is estimated to take 40 years in total (including the return). The episode is mostly told through flashbacks while Stansfield sleeps in the stasis. In the months leading up to the launch, Stansfield comes across a scientist, named Sandra, and the two instantly fall in love. Okay, the way Stansfield asks Sandy out is kinda creepy, but, in fairness, that weirdo practically says she's in love with Stansfield after three whole hours of knowing each other. These lunatics were made for one another.

Obviously the difficult part of the journey is that Stansfield will still be young when he returns, and Sandy will be an old woman at that point. Wanting to preserve their love, both of these fools do the opposite of what they said without letting the other know. Seriously, these two deserve each other! Stansfield decides to not enter the suspended animation so that he ages the whole time, and Sandy chooses to enter suspended animation on Earth. Didn't anyone ever tell you guys the key to a good relationship is communication?! Sure enough, Stansfield returns as an old man, and Sandy awakens as a young woman. Instead of resolving anything, Stansfield just tells her to leave, and she obliges without much struggle. Making matters worse, they say that Stansfield's entire mission was pointless! My goodness...this guy can't catch a fucking break.

The only consolation to this entire story is that one guy says he's proud to know Stansfield. Gee, thanks, random dude. In all seriousness though, this is not how the story would play out. Sandy and Stansfield needed closure to this relationship. Likewise, the irony is not emphasized, the epic journey of Stansfield for 40 years is downplayed, and the profound love of the characters is lost. Come on, this is supposed to be some next level, across time and space love--you can't simply brush over that. I wouldn't go as far as to say this episode is bad, because it's not, they just didn't prioritize plot elements. In fact, there was probably enough material here to make a decent sci-fi/romance movie. Oh well.

You Drive

Description: Season 5, Episode 14

Air Date: January 3, 1964

Plot Summary: After a man hits a kid with his car, and flees from the scene, he is haunted by the boy's spirit.

Review: I really want to rank this among the underrated episodes, but it's tough when the episode doesn't want to take itself or the material seriously enough. This could have been the perfect story to replicate that fearful emotion in an episode like "The Hitch-Hiker." Instead, the music is odd, to say the least, and the main character, Ollie, acts like a buffoon rather than someone mulling over his guilt and worrying that he's being haunted. Having another potato pancake of a wife certainly wasn't doing the story any favors either!

As soon as the episode opens, Ollie runs over this kid, the paperboy, as Ollie is coming home from work. They say this kid was 12, but he looked college-aged to me! What the hell is with that? Ollie checks the kid's body and says, "I'm outta here!" as he books it. Almost immediately after going home, Ollie experiences the ghostly presence of the boy despite the kid not being dead yet. The reaction from the wife about this--and I hate to say it--paranormal activity is moronic. She keeps saying that people are breaking into their garage, and, at one point, this bitch leaves the car sitting in the middle of the road. My goodness...these fucking potato pancakes, I tell ya! These kind of shenanigans are why this episode drops the ball when it has, what should be, an otherwise creepy premise.

Later on, when the guilt is getting to Ollie, a business rival stops by and the two argue. Unfortunately for this coworker, an angular turnip for a witness claims the coworker is the one who hit the kid. I should note that the boy has died from his injuries at this point too. After all manner of creepy shit happens, Ollie smashes the car up and decides he will walk to work. The car then turns into Christine and nearly kills Ollie. However, Christine takes pity on Ollie and takes him to the police in order for him to confess and exonerate the coworker. The episode then ends quite abruptly with Mr. Serling closing us out with Ollie going into the police station.

I do really like this episode, because it has a cool story that is ripe with the potential to be scary. Sadly, they don't capitalize on the setup for whatever reason. The episode even went to great lengths to show the car driving around without a driver. I felt like they could have added that disturbing voice from "The Fever" and combined that with a more psychological approach similarly to "The Hitch-Hiker." The music especially was killing the atmosphere as it felt too erratic and cartoonish. With a little more polish, this could have turned into one of the classics, but, instead, is a forgotten episode.

Ring-a-Ding Girl

Description: Season 5, Episode 13

Air Date: December 27, 1963

Plot Summary: A diva-like movie star is drawn to her hometown after receiving a strange ring from her fans.

Review: This story would have been significantly better if, for one, it actually made sense and weren't so similar to the superior episode, "The Hitch-Hiker." You have the titular character, whose real (or stage) name is Bunny Blake, as she is heading toward the set of her next film. Her manager or agent or whatever the hell gives her a present from her fans: a new ring to add to her collection. Apparently she takes this whole ring-a-ding thing literally which just makes me think of Samara and Sadako. When Bunny looks into the ring she sees a vision of her family beckoning her to return to her hometown.

We cut to sometime later as Bunny comes to visit her sister and nephew. It would seem our dear little Bunny is taking a detour before shooting her next movie and wants to live it up for a day in town. The ring was bought by the townspeople each chipping in a dollar, but they never explain how it has any supernatural powers. Nevertheless, Bunny sees more visions and experiences a blackout. Bunny suspects that she was drawn to the town for a specific purpose as she ignores any advice to take it easy and rest. Bunny is convinced something will happen during a local holiday so she manages to sway the townspeople into going to her own little fan greeting; she does this by crashing the TV station.

Toward the end, when everyone is getting ready for Bunny's celebration, a freak accident occurs with a plane crashing in the location the town holiday was intended to be at. Bunny disappears as we realize that plane was the one she had been on all of this time...somehow. For whatever reason, no one is freaking out that Bunny was running around town and shit yet she supposedly died on a plane. Magically, the ring gave Bunny the power to coexist in two places at once...I don't know really. Regardless, Bunny saved the townspeople as her final act. Can't say I'll miss her though--Bunny was annoying as fuck! Overall, I would rank this as an average episode. It has its good points, but it feels like a retread of "The Hitch-Hiker's" twist minus the weight of that story or the suspense. Besides that, it doesn't make a lot of sense since Bunny is seeing the future, clearly alive and not a true ghost since she passes out, and yet we're shown visions of her aboard the plane too so it's not like Scotty beamed her up just to crash.

Ninety Years Without Slumbering

Description: Season 5, Episode 12

Air Date: December 20, 1963

Plot Summary: An old man believes his life is intertwined with a grandfather clock.

Review: Typically when I discuss contenders for the worst episode list they are stupid stories, but this one isn't traditionally bad per se. The problem with this episode is that it was struggling to fill out the running time with a gimmicky plot line; I mean, my plot summary essentially covers this entire episode's story that easily. For whatever reason, the main old guy thinks if his grandfather clock stops ticking he will die--that's all there is to it. They include a visit to a psychiatrist, family drama, a pointless neighbor, and petty vandalism to pad out this story which makes the entire experience feel like a mess. And, in the end, it was all in the old guy's head as he doesn't even die when the clock stops. There is nothing really noteworthy except one shot where the son in law smacks his wife on the ass. First, kudos on your choice of affection...second, that was a bit risque for TZ. I guess I should mention that the old man has a conversation with his own ghost which makes no sense. Or was that supposed to be the spirit of the clock? What the hell was going on in this episode?

A Short Drink From a Certain Fountain

Description: Season 5, Episode 11

Air Date: December 13, 1963

Plot Summary: An old man takes an experimental youth serum in order to keep up with the demands of his young wife.

Review: Ironically, if this episode were made today the person getting the comeuppance would be reversed. You know this scenario: an older, rich guy marries a young, gold digger wife. For whatever reason, the old man, Harmon, mindlessly loves this little chickadee, Flora, despite his brother's advice to ditch the bitch. Unable to keep up with her antics, Harmon ponders suicide if his brother doesn't assist him. It would seem the brother is some kind of doctor working on an experimental serum that would make a person younger. Since they were still testing it on animals, the brother advises against giving Harmon the serum, but Harmon is one insistent mangina.

Later on, Harmon takes the serum and becomes younger. Flora, idiotically not questioning this bizarre situation, is excited about traveling around the world or whatever. However, given the unpredictable nature of the serum, Harmon keeps getting younger until he's been turned back into a little boy. Actually, this wouldn't be too bad as long as my mind remains intact--if I can't have that then screw this serum! The brother explains to Flora that she is stuck with taking care of Harmon until he grows up, now Harmon will get all the attention, and Flora will be the one dealing with the fact that she's getting ever older. Yeah right--maybe in '63. How that shit would go down now: bitch would divorce Harmon, get half or more of his shit, and, indeed, date a younger guy with all her money. That's modern day "fairness." And, making matters worse, Harmon would still grow up to be a little mangina bitch-boy. On the bright side, Flora did mention something about not being a "night nurse," and that sounds like a delightful porno!

The 7th Is Made Up of Phantoms

Description: Season 5, Episode 10

Air Date: December 6, 1963

Plot Summary: Soldiers on an exorcise believe they are interacting with ghosts from a past battle.

Review: This isn't necessarily a bad episode per se, but it doesn't do anything to differentiate itself from similar, past episodes. At first the episode establishes the Battle of Little Bighorn as if it's about to occur, but then we realize it is the present day (or 1964 in the story line). Apparently the US military is doing some kind of exorcise in the region, and the three main characters are a part of a tank crew. They believe they are seeing and hearing various aspects of the battle and want to investigate further. Their commanding officer thinks they're crazy or drunk and reprimands them. Later, when they finally come face to face with the battle itself, the three men are killed in the fight; they didn't bring the tank to the battle in case you're wondering how the hell they could possibly lose. When their commanding officer and a few MPs go to find them, they realize that their names are coincidentally on a nearby memorial. And that's all there really is to it.

I'm assuming that the scope of the story was intended to be much grander which leads to the final experience being so bland. Instead of showing the main characters ever interact with the various Native American tribes battling the 7th Calvary, it is merely implied to be off screen. Likewise, whenever they do show something, the scale is incredibly limited. I don't blame TZ for this as they were obviously dealing with a limited budget as always--I'm simply pointing out why the episode appears shallow or missing something.

Probe 7, Over and Out

Description: Season 5, Episode 9

Air Date: November 29, 1963

Plot Summary: A pilot crash lands on an alien planet just as his world enters a mutually destructive war.

Review: Although this episode boils down to nothing more than a novel twist, I've always enjoyed it and appreciated the concept. Also, because of said twist, it makes describing the story difficult as the vagueness needed to convey the premise actually alludes to that very revelation. Anyway, we meet an injured pilot named Cook who has crashed on some random planet. Conveniently enough, the planet is hospitable, but it is implied that a creature may be lurking nearby his ship. When asking for help from home, Cook learns that the military has more pressing issues regarding an all out world war. Sure enough, a war does begin with a general explaining to Cook how they're entering a state of mutual destruction.

For whatever reason, Cook decides to take a little stroll outside his wrecked ship when he has a seizure or something; I honestly don't know what the hell happened to him. While unconscious, that general transmits to Cook that their world is toasty toast, and he may be the last survivor of their world. When Cook comes to his senses, he is startled by the unknown creature locking itself within his ship. Waiting outside the ship, the creature eventually sneaks away as Cook chases after it. We then realize the creature is actually a disheveled woman. By some impossible twist of fate, this woman is also the last survivor of a totally different planet that was destroyed. Unable to communicate, Cook scares the woman away and later hears that final transmission. Accepting that this planet must become his new home, the woman returns and the two try to get along. The twist is finally revealed that Cook's first name is Adam and the woman's name is Eve. The planet is Earth, Cook has a broken rib referring to that part of Genesis, and Eve offers Cook an apple as that is the food she has been living off of since she arrived on the planet.

I know this probably sounds corny, but they present it well enough and it was a mostly original twist at the time. Obviously you have to suspend your disbelief quite a bit to enjoy this ending. I mean, two separate, yet perfectly similar, human species from across the galaxy cross paths on a livable planet at the exact same point in time?! If such a scenario happened, that would absolutely convince me that it was divine intervention at work. Who knows, maybe that's half the point.

Uncle Simon

Description: Season 5, Episode 8

Air Date: November 15, 1963

Plot Summary: A miserable bitch longs for the day her trash-talking uncle dies.

Review: This is another of the more bizarre episodes in the series. While I understand what they were striving for, they go about presenting this tale in a most unusual fashion. We have the titular character, an old man and scientist, as he reaches the end of his life. Taking care of Simon is his niece, Barbara, who despises the old man. I'm guessing this episode will not see a lot of mainstream airings anymore considering the amount of insults Simon hurls at Barbara especially in regard to her looks, weight, and lack of femininity. I mean, we can't go offending crybabies now can we? For me, I found the insults hilarious! I'm always looking for new insults, and I would happily add "angular turnip" and "toothpick-licking conniver" to my ever-growing list...right alongside potato pancake. Hell, the old man is full of awesome comebacks. Don't feel bad for dear Barbara, however, as she's a greedy bitch simply biding her time for Simon to die in order for her to have all his money and assets. The episode clearly implies that Simon only acts the way he does since he knows Barbara doesn't really care about him and would have left if it bothered her so much.

Later on, Barbara wants to know what secret experiment Simon is working on when she finally decides to kill the old geezer. Believing herself free of Simon, she is surprised to learn that one of the stipulations of Simon's will is that she must take care of his experiment. This experiment turns out to be a robot, seemingly with AI, that is "played" by Robby the Robot from "Forbidden Planet." Simon's lawyer stops by from time to time to make sure Barbara is taking care of the robot as it slowly gains sentience. Eventually it is revealed that the robot has been programmed to take on Simon's personality and Barbara is back to taking care of him. The episode wants this to be creepier than it is displayed, but I understand the goal. While Barbara simply lived for the day Simon would die, this robot would never die, thus, Barbara is fucked. Since Barbara is also a bitch, she would rather stay and endure the torture, while having her money, than be free of the situation which says a lot about her character. It's a fitting tale, but it lacks a certain emphasis and structure necessary to convey its points.

The Old Man in the Cave

Description: Season 5, Episode 7

Air Date: November 8, 1963

Plot Summary: In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, survivors are given survival advice from a mysterious old man.

Review: As I grow ever hyped about the release of "Fallout 4," this episode comes at a perfect time to fuel my excitement! In fact, I could easily see this being the inspiration for a quest in the FO series or some kind of weird cult faction. But enough about FO...this is an interesting episode despite my spoiling of the twist right in the picture. In the story, you have a town full of idiotic survivors after a nuclear war 10 years prior. Their leader, Goldsmith, receives instructions from the titular old man in regards to what food, drink, and soil is contaminated. Due to the desperation and outright idiocy of the survivors, they often question the wisdom of the old man and want to indulge their thirst and hunger. While I can't entirely blame them, you have to understand this is an irradiated wasteland and only a fool would risk contamination.

Later on, a group of soldiers from an allegedly, newly restored government come to town. Goldsmith believes they are just thieves or raiders pretending to be official in order to get free food, water, and shelter. When they explain to the soldiers about the old man, they doubt his existence and believe Goldsmith is swindling the survivors. After trying to blow up the entrance to the cave, the soldiers say screw it and talk the survivors into eating contaminated food and getting drunk with irradiated alcohol. I love how TZ even depicts some whore survivor trying to hook up with two of the soldiers. In this state of indulgence, the survivors all turn on Goldsmith and force him to reveal the old man, if he truly exists, once and for all. Now this is an interesting aspect to the episode as you see Goldsmith preferring death to giving up the old man but changes his tune at one point; I believe this point is to show us Goldsmith realizes these people are unworthy of surviving. Sure enough, the old man is a computer that has somehow been programmed to assist the humans and must have had an internal Geiger counter. My one gripe with this reveal, besides the predictability, is that the cave door makes you think this will be some kind of facility...yet the computer appears to be just floating with no plug or power source. Uhh...not possible. Come on, TZ, you could have used one of your existing sets; this is an embarrassing flub. Nevertheless, the survivors idiotically destroy the computer and seal their fates. The next day, Goldsmith wanders around town, pondering the mysteries of the universe, as we see all the survivors and soldiers' dead bodies lying about. A somber end and final depiction of one possible path for humanity to take--kind of ballsy too for the era.

Overall, a decent episode in light of the obvious revelation that there won't be just some old man hanging out, chowing down on canned beans, and sipping away on Nuka Cola. I appreciate the controversial plot in that TZ outright showed the aftermath of 1960s America being destroyed rather than some hypothetical, future date being a destroyed. Complimenting this idea is the pessimistic view that humanity will ultimately doom itself on top of that. If only a few aspects had been cleaned up, and given polish, this could have been one of the classics. As it stands, this falls just short of being worthy of the underrated category.

Living Doll

Description: Season 5, Episode 6

Air Date: November 1, 1963

Plot Summary: A little girl's new doll does not take kindly to the rude antics of the girl's stepfather.

Review: Not only is this one of the best episodes, I consider this to be the scariest episode in the entire series. Sure, the story is tame by today's standards, but this would have been incredibly freaky back in '63 especially if you were a kid. Actually, even today, wouldn't you be unnerved--to say the least--if a doll was telling you how she was going to kill you? I'd throw that bitch right into the fire alongside Chucky! Even though we have accounts of haunted dolls over the centuries, like "Robert" for example, is Talky Tina the first depicted in TV/movies? I am excluding dummies by the way. If anyone knows the answer, let me know.

The story focuses on, what I would consider, a dysfunctional family for the era. The little girl, Christie, is bought a doll, called Talky Tina, by her mom. It is never explained how Talky Tina is alive, but I guess that keeps things creepier. By the way, Talky Tina is voiced by the legendary voice actress, June Foray, who has an extensive history of famous roles. The mom, Annabelle, tries to hide the purchase from her husband, Erich, who is actually Christie's stepfather. Wait...Annabelle...killer doll...this can't be a coincidence. Maybe the demon allegedly haunting the Annabelle doll was a fan of the episode! Anyway, Erich, played by Telly Savalas, is such an insufferable asshole definitely deserving of his comeuppance. He's always saying something uncalled for and is in dire need of a roundhouse kick to the face. With that said, I have to blame Annabelle here since she chose to marry this bitch-boy knowing how he was. Plus, where is Christie's real father? Hmm...

The episode doesn't waste any time as Talky Tina starts making her threats early on when no one is around except Erich. She starts off with explaining how she hates Erich, but she eventually escalates into saying that she will kill him. Erich thinks this is some kind of gag with microphones or whatever. Come on, son. The thing that really gets to him is when Talky Tina calls him on the phone. Now that's a great scene! Erich tries to destroy Talky Tina, but she is somehow impervious to damage...or at least the lame shit Erich tries. Douche, just start a fire and throw her in it! If all else fails, call Sam and Dean. So after running around displaying the intolerable combo of asshole and idiot, Erich gives Talky Tina back to Christie before going to bed. Big mistake. Waking up to a weird sound, Erich seeks to find Talky Tina who has disappeared from Christie's room. When he goes down the stairs he trips on the doll and, seemingly, breaks his neck. Wow, dude, you lived as a bitch and you went out like one too! The ending is a bit of misstep as Talky Tina reveals to Annabelle that she's alive and makes another passive threat. I think, given the context of the episode, it should have been left ambiguous as to whether Talky Tina was really alive or if she was some kind of manifestation of Christie. This could work since there are minor hints about Christie seeing a psychiatrist and perhaps having psychological problems. Oh well, it's not a deal breaker.

I have always enjoyed this episode over the years as it nails that ominous and disturbing atmosphere; it has that right blend of scary and intrigue, and it works so perfectly. TZ doesn't have a lot of legitimately scary episodes, and this would have premiered right after Halloween to delight the kiddies. Talky Tina as a concept also stands the test of time and could still be relevant and frightening to today's audiences. I know this episode is often considered amongst the classics, but it should be higher up in the ranking. This is definitely a contender for my top 10 list that's for sure.

The Last Night of a Jockey

Description: Season 5, Episode 5

Air Date: October 25, 1963

Plot Summary: A disgraced Jockey is granted the thing he wants most in the world.

Review: I think we definitely have another contender for the worst episode list. It's a shame too, because I can appreciate the one-man show concept being unique to this episode. All we get is a jockey named Grady, played by Mickey Rooney, who has been fired after his most recent scandal. I gotta say, how the hell is horse racing a sport though? The horses do all the damn work! Anyway, Grady is a whiny little bitch with an inferiority complex. Magically, an alter-ego version of Grady materializes to taunt the guy. Strangely enough, the alter-ego claims it will grant Grady any one wish as well. So this is a genie story now? Grady idiotically wishes to be big, in the vaguest of terms, and is turned into a giant man. The alter ego then explains how stupid the wish was and offers up better ideas that would have helped Grady in the long run. In the lamest of twists, Grady is offered his job back, but now he's too big of a man to be a jockey. Oh no!

The reason this episode fails so hard is due to the nonsensical nature of the plot. What exactly is this alter-ego? The episode explains it as a kind of force of the universe or something. Hell if I know. They clearly wanted this to be another genie episode but couldn't structure the plot around it--leaving us with this. While I applaud Mr. Rooney for carrying the episode by himself and talking to himself, that's the only saving grace. This is just a bizarre story in general.

A Kind of a Stopwatch

Description: Season 5, Episode 4

Air Date: October 18, 1963

Plot Summary: An annoying man is given a supernatural stopwatch that can freeze the world with the press of a button.

Review: This is an interesting episode in theory, but they don't fully utilize the material until the abrupt ending. You have an annoying little bitch you'd love to punch, named McNulty, that is clueless to reality. He also keeps saying "you think about that now" as if whatever he says is genius level insight. Although you wouldn't recognize him from the episode, McNulty is played by Richard Erdman who is more recently known as Leonard from "Community." Anyway, McNulty bothers everyone is his life which leads to his boss finally firing him. After clearing the patrons out of a bar by never shutting up, McNulty notices a loner that actually wants to engage him in conversation. Nothing is ever explained, but the loner gives McNulty a magic stopwatch that freezes the world in place. You could say it simply freezes people, but we are shown a helicopter frozen in place without falling so we have to conclude the stopwatch manipulates reality itself.

Considering how powerful the stopwatch is, you'd think McNulty would do something meaningful with it but nope. He tries to idiotically show it off to his boss and get it mass produced. When the boss doesn't care, McNulty decides to play pointless pranks. Later on, when bothering the bar patrons again, McNulty further engages in zany antics. It finally dawns on McNulty that he should rob a bank and become someone of importance, but he drops and breaks the stopwatch while the world is frozen. Hmm...one of the most powerful objects in existence, and it breaks from, at best, a four foot fall? Flimsy as hell. The episode simply ends with McNulty freaking out since he will have no one to bother ever again. Ehh, I don't know--this felt like the lighthearted version of "Time Enough at Last." McNulty takes too long to do anything interesting and the ending felt rushed. Realistically, people who have homaged the episode did it better. One example I can think of, that toyed with the material more realistically, was an episode of "Friday the 13th: The Series" called "13 O'Clock."

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

Description: Season 5, Episode 3

Air Date: October 11, 1963

Plot Summary: Recovering from a nervous breakdown, a man believes he sees a creature tampering with the wing of his plane.

Review: Not only is this a classic episode, but I would say its easily among the most iconic in the entire series. I mean, you've got it all: William Shatner somehow not turning in a Shatner-esque performance, a nice little jump scare for the kiddies in '63, and even breaking the fourth wall. The production value for this particular episode looked very good too...well, except for the laughable design of the gremlin. Obviously I can't put my mindset into that of 1963, but, even as a kid, I thought the gremlin looked moronic. He looks like a big teddy bear, or a furry wearing footy pajamas, mixed with the freaks from the "Eye of the Beholder" episode. What the hell?!

The story follows Bob, along with his wife, on a flight shortly after he was released from a sanitarium. We don't get the full details of Bob's supposed nervous breakdown, but it is alluded to involve planes. Elevating his anxiety, the couple sits next to the auxiliary exit which will come into play at the end. Sometime into the stormy flight, a restless Bob stares out the window only to see the gremlin doing whatever it is that a gremlin does. Trying to get others to see the creature, the flight crew begins to think Bob is crazy. Bob's wife is also unnerved by this scenario as she fears Bob was not ready for this flight. They did miss an opportunity to toy with the audience's perception of whether or not it was all in Bob's head but oh well.

Through sheer shenanigans, no one ever sees the gremlin whom conveniently knows when to disappear from view at just the right time. Yeah, I'm calling bullshit. No one else was ever looking out the window except the one guy no one will believe?! Wake up one of the old geezers on the plane and make them stare out the window with you! When one member of the flight crew tries to patronize Bob, he realizes he's on his own to figure out what to do. Realizing that the gremlin will sabotage the plane if not stopped, Bob steals a gun from an air marshal or whatever he was supposed to be. Using the auxiliary exit, Bob is nearly sucked through the window, but he manages to shoot that pajama wearing freak to death. We cut to the flight landing somewhere, and Bob is being carried away to an ambulance. Bob looks to the audience and says that they will eventually realize the truth as the camera pans to the damaged wing.

Overall, this is a fantastic episode. The story is balanced in just the right way and is a return to form not seen since season 3. Likewise, it's very imaginative and original while still being somewhat relatable at the time; these are the kind of circumstances that make for the most memorable episodes. It may not be one of my favorites, but I appreciate and respect its impact. Many have parodied this episode in varying capacities which is yet another testament to TZ's legacy.

Steel

Description: Season 5, Episode 2

Air Date: October 4, 1963

Plot Summary: In the future, a man is forced to take the place of his android in a boxing match.

Review: At a glance, this episode should be interesting, considering it is a human fighting a machine, but they do not play up the themes properly at all. It's tough to pinpoint what went wrong since they do touch on all the right ideas. We have the story set in the distant future of 1974 where androids appear to be commonplace. The main character, ridiculously nicknamed Steel, and a mechanic, of some sort, have set up a match between their outdated android and a newer model. Their android is holding together with glue and prayer, but the duo are desperate for money and will take what they can get. When preparing for the fight, their android's right arm breaks permanently. Unwilling to accept the failure, Steel, conveniently a former boxer himself, decides he will take on the android in place of their fighter. Obviously Steel is defeated within minutes, which says more about these shit androids than anything, but the duo are only paid half the money for not lasting more than one round. And that's really all there is to the episode; Steel just discusses how they can repair their android with half the money. The ending is totally lackluster. The episode tries to approach how human will surpasses mechanized brawn, but it does not do the material justice; they also do not emphasize the subject with the depth or attention it needed. There was, nearly, endless potential with this plot, however, the episode could not deliver. Hell, it would have been more amusing if they went with the Hollywood ending of Steel beating the android!

In Praise of Pip

Description: Season 5, Episode 1

Air Date: September 27, 1963

Plot Summary: After learning that his son is dying in the Vietnam War, a man believes he sees his son as a child again.

Review: We've arrived at the fifth and final season, but there are still plenty of great episodes left to cover. As I've stated before, TZ only deviated from its typical formula for season 4, so we have the return of concise, 30 minute tales. As for this particular season premiere, it could have been better that's for sure. Serving as the last appearance from Jack Klugman, you'd hope for a more interesting episode for him to stretch his legs with. Also, considering the controversial aspects of the Vietnam War at this point, you'd think TZ would work with the material in a more thought-provoking way.

The story focuses on a bookie named Max, played by Mr. Klugman, right as he's coming to terms with the fact that his life has been fundamentally wasted. Obviously his biggest regret is not being there for his son, Pip, in a meaningful way. The self-reflection is done well enough, but there is just something amiss in the execution. Anyway, Max is apathetic toward a guy he conned, but his attitude changes when he learns Pip appears to have been fatally wounded in battle. This is surprisingly a violent scene for TZ--Max is shot after stabbing his boss and one of the boss' flunkies, because they were roughing up the guy Max conned. Max then aimlessly wanders toward an amusement park he took Pip to when he was young. There, Pip's spirit somehow manifests as a child, played by Billy Mumy in another appearance. The two are having fun for awhile as Max brushes this sight off due to the delirium induced by the gunshot wound. However, Pip suddenly runs away, and the two run around in a funhouse. Pip says he must go, the adult version appearing to die, and Max is left with only regret that he wasn't there for his son. Begging god for some kind of exchange, Max dies and Pip miraculously survives. We skip to sometime later with a crippled Pip going back to the amusement park and seemingly remembering the bizarre last instance of meeting Max.

I'm mostly disappointed that they didn't do more with this plot line. The were many elements that could have been utilized in a meaningful way, but, maybe, they were afraid of retreading covered material. This isn't a bad episode, it just doesn't work all that well as the season opener.

The Bard

Description: Season 4, Episode 18

Air Date: May 23, 1963

Plot Summary: A fledgling writer uses a magic spell to summon Shakespeare to assist him in writing a TV pilot.

Review: And now we come to the last episode of season 4 as well as the end to the hour long running time. I'm not going to lie, season 4 was undeniably the weakest season overall, but I don't hold that against TZ. The writers had to scramble to come up with these stories, adjust their style and format, and deal with the idiocy that was/is CBS. As for this particular episode, serving as a season finale, it could have been much better. This is yet another comedic episode, but it's certainly a hit or miss in regards to that comedy.

The main character, the ridiculously named Julius Moomer, tries and fails to pitch various ideas to his agent. Feeling pity for Julius, the agent allows him a chance to write a script for an upcoming TV pilot. Since the producers want a story about "black magic" Julius heads to a bookstore where he meets a nutcase and a spell book literally jumps out at him. Improvising the spell ingredients, Julius somehow conjures up William Shakespeare in the flesh. I guess Shakespeare has been keeping up on modern times, somehow, and agrees to write up the pilot for Julius. I didn't find any of this funny.

Later on, the humor does pick up once we see TZ take shots at the way advertisers meddle in the production, how ideas are altered for superficial and stupid reasons, and how the industry is, and always will be, full of yes-men. The best part, however, is when Shakespeare crashes the rehearsal for the pilot. You've got Burt Reynolds doing his best impersonation of Brando, and it's hilariously accurate! This scene alone almost made the episode great! After Shakespeare voices his disapproval of the pilot, he essentially quits on Julius. Consulting, what looks to be, his twelve year old girlfriend, Julius decides to conjure up more people to help him write. The episode ends with Julius showing the agent his new friends: a slew of historical figures ranging from Washington to Lincoln. Ehh, I guess that's as good of an ending as any. Admittedly, there were funny moments, but, for the most part, this episode comes off more stupid than anything. I'm considering this for the worst episode list, but that Brando impersonation is priceless--maybe I'll have to reconsider.

Passage on the Lady Anne

Description: Season 4, Episode 17

Air Date: May 9, 1963

Plot Summary: A couple, whose marriage is on the rocks, decide to take a trip aboard an old cruise ship.

Review: This story may have the distinction of being the least TZ-feeling episode in the entire series. If anything, this was TZ's answer to a serious, romantic drama. They do tack on an ambiguously supernatural element toward the end, and an ongoing mystery throughout, but that's definitely not what this episode is about. You have the main characters, Alan and Eileen, who decide to go on an alleged honeymoon (6 years into the marriage mind you) aboard a cruise ship called, you guessed it, the Lady Anne. The problem is that Alan is a complete asshole and Eileen is a whiny bitch. I wanted to throw them both overboard. Despite this, the banter between the characters is rather entertaining and downright humorous at times. It helps that much of the supporting cast do a fantastic job of playing off one another with great chemistry.

Much of the story focuses on Alan and Eileen trying to rekindle their love. Eileen thought that the voyage itself would spark romance, but Alan is too worried about business dealings that await him. The two argue a lot until they start to question their entire marriage. Psh...they would have divorced years ago if this were nowaday. The situation is exacerbated by the other passengers who are old people that seem to spend way too much time dwelling on their own romances and losses. I suppose this was intended to inspire Alan and Eileen but whatever. At one point Eileen mysteriously disappears and Alan inexplicably realizes how much he loves Eileen again. Is that really all it took? The disappearance is never explained as Alan finds her the next day or so. It's greatly implied they fucked like crazy afterward as a result! With their romance magically restored, the two become fully invested in enjoying their trip.

So what makes any of this a TZ episode? It would seem Alan and Eileen inadvertently booked their voyage on a ship nearing retirement. As a consequence, the crew and passengers have decided to kill themselves or travel into oblivion for all I know; it's not clear at all. Over the years, many couples have grown sentimental and attached to the ship. As they and the ship have aged, the old people want their memories to go out with a bang. Unfortunately for Alan and Eileen, no one told them this ahead of time. There are sprinkles of shadiness here and there, and the old people do try to deter the couple from sailing with them, but it feels forced to fit the TZ theme. When Alan and Eileen have patched up their relationship, the old people force them onto a life boat so that they can freely travel to Aman with the elves or something. And that's all that happens. Lame romances really aren't my cup of tea, but the episode is saved by the dialogue and banter. I'm just surprised TZ didn't try harder to make the episode fit their regular tone. If you saw this on TV without the narration from Mr. Serling you would never guess what this was truly from.

On Thursday We Leave For Home

Description: Season 4, Episode 16

Air Date: May 2, 1963

Plot Summary: A human settlement on a distant planet must free themselves of their leader in order to return to Earth.

Review: This is certainly one of the episodes that would have felt less boring in the 30 minute format; there really wasn't enough material to stretch this story out. The opening premise is decent, with a small settlement of humans, on a planet far away, who tried to find a second Earth. The time is notably set far enough in the future (2020s) that I could accept this as a plausible scenario. Unfortunately for these people, the planet is an arid wasteland and their leader, Benteen, controls them like children. I would say there is a cult-like atmosphere to the people, but it is more the case of Benteen believing his role to be greater than it truly was. After decades of struggling to survive, a rescue ship finally comes to collect the settlement. Benteen, however, does not want the people to escape once he realizes they will abandon him. At first you can somewhat sympathize with Benteen, but he spirals into insanity quickly enough. There are moments of interesting dialogue strewn throughout, but that's about the only thing the episode has going for it. The situation is not relevant to viewers and the themes are self-explanatory. There should have been a final twist to bring things full circle, but the episode simply ends with everyone leaving and Benteen staying behind. Come to think of it, this could be worthy of the worst episode list.

The Incredible World of Horace Ford

Description: Season 4, Episode 15

Air Date: April 18, 1963

Plot Summary: An eccentric toy designer becomes unhinged after seeing visions of his childhood street and friends.

Review: This is definitely one of the weirder episodes out there, but it fails to be memorable in spite of this. It's primary flaw is that it feels too similar to previous episodes like "Walking Distance." The story explores nostalgia and how the past may not be as great as we want to remember it. Although TZ has touched on this material a number of times, there are other ways to spin the tale. Unfortunately, this episode did not change things up enough to make it feel unique in comparison to those other episodes.

This time around we have the titular Horace Ford who comes off as autistic or something. He keeps yelling his dialogue, going off into weird tangents about his own life as if others have experienced the events alongside him, changes subjects on an incoherent whim, and cannot adjust properly or interact normally. I really don't know what TZ was trying to display here. Nevertheless, Horace works as a toy designer which is perfect since he acts like a big kid and only talks about toys and games. Even with all of these issues, Horace still has a wife somehow. There is also a weird dynamic with Horace's mom living with them and the wife having to baby the mother. Again, I don't know what this is all about since a lot of throwaway details are added that go nowhere.

I think the episode was trying to portray a mid-life crisis before the concept had been established since Horace doesn't go off the deep end until his 38th birthday approaches. Horace revisits the street he grew up on, to reminisce, only to discover it's exactly as lively and amusing as he remembers it. Plus, three cents for a hotdog?! Umm, hello! I do dream of being a fatass time traveler, after all! Anyway, Horace is unnerved when he sees his friends are there as well but just as young as ever. The story somewhat explores the notion that you glamorize your memories, but they don't contrast it enough; we only see the mundane life Horace lives and the childhood he longs for...not the opposing sides. This, revisiting the street process, occurs a few times with Horace becoming more and more unstable with each passing. The wife sort of believes Horace since each night a boy visits their apartment to return a watch Horace drops. Toward the end, Horace's crazy antics get him fired from his job and this leads to him turning back into a kid at one point. His childhood friends beat him up for whatever reason too. The wife tries to find Horace, and we see how drab the street truly is. The wife gets Horace to turn back into an adult and they discuss how things aren't always as we remember. And that's pretty much it. Ehhh...there's nothing here we haven't heard before. The trouble is, other episodes did it better and did it first. I get that there is something about the growing up aspect, but the ideas aren't focused enough to bring clarity to the narrative.